The Emptiness

Can't post here anymore.  Apparently people IRL like to delve into my business.  So sorry, not that anyone really reads this I'm sure.  SEE YA.

So I never found that damn scale.  I ended up waiting until 3pm when my little brother got home from school to ask him, but of course he knew nothing.  I decided I needed to get over it and get something in my stomach and get ready for work.  On a random side note, I decided to cut three inches of my hair off.  It actually doesn't look bad.

Before going to work I consumed just under 400 calories.  I walked into work very anxious about the meeting with Dave and Jenn.  I started bagging and my usual.  Jenn came in around 6:30 and seemed to be in a not-so-good mood.  Around 7 I went on break.  I was kind of hyper at work, and it only took me three minutes flat to smoke my cigarette (the whole thing, too!).  I came in only five minutes into my break and went over to customer service where Jenn was.  I asked her if we were still meeting with Dave, and she told me that she had to wait for another front-end supervisor to come back from break and we would go find him.  I walked around and then started bagging again three minutes before my break was over.  It was quite slow tonight.  I made some more announcements over the loud speaker.  My one co-worker, Alicia (pronounced Ah-lee-see-uh), was standing there because she was running the self-checkout and that's where the announcements are made.  I did fine on the first few announcements.  I started doing one announcement and got as far as "Attention, shoppers" until Alicia started saying something that made me laugh so I had to hang up the phone and redo it.  It was kind of embarrassing.  I went over to clean some registers and Jenn came up to me and told me that Dave already left at 7.  I was kind of disappointed because I was already prepared and I really wanted to get it over with.  She kept telling me there was nothing to worry about.  She said I looked better today, and that I had color to my face.  At first this made me feel strange and uncomfortable because to me it meant I looked normal and normal meant healthy, which meant I'd been eating too much.  I thanked her and told her that after she told me about meeting with Dave on Tuesday, I decided I needed to start eating a little at least for work.  She just looked at me for a second and then said, "I'm so proud of you... give me a hug" so she hugged me.  I felt good.  She said she knows it's hard for me but if I keep doing what I'm doing then Dave will be pleased and I'll most likely not have to worry about being let go.  I went to do some more announcements.  This time, not only was Alicia standing there, but so was another one of my co-workers, Angela.  They were talking about clubbing and I asked them to walk away for a minute so I don't get distracted like last time.  I picked up the phone and started making the announcement but they started talking and laughing and joking about me messing up so I stopped in the middle of the sentence, tried to collect myself and start again, started laughing and had to hang up again.  This pissed off one of the front-enders, Shannon, who called me over and told me I need to stop doing that and that it's not funny and it's probably annoying to the customers (who I don't think really listen to the announcements or give a shit regardless).  So I instantly felt horrible.  She told me I need to do the announcements at customer service from now on so I'm not distracted.  I started taking out the trash.  A little later I went back to customer service to do an announcement.  Jenn was in there and Shannon and another girl Jenn were talking to each other.  Jenn told me that they're not really mad at me because I do the best job on the announcements, but they're mad at the other girls for making me laugh and mess it up, so I shouldn't feel bad.  I start making an announcement and Jenn kicked the other Jenn and Shannon to be quiet so I didn't get distracted.  The rest of the night was extremely slow.  I pushed carts with one of the boys, Tim, twice.  It was so much better and quicker with two people.  I hate doing it by myself.  My shift was over and I clocked out and got my things.  I went back downstairs to ask Jenn what time she would be picking me up on Saturday morning for training.  Then we started talking about the meeting.  She keeps telling me not to worry.  I told her I'm scared it will be hard to eat enough to keep up my energy every time I have work.  I followed her around the store while she got various items in preparation for class on Saturday.  Finally I left.

I got in the car with my mom and she told me I should eat something when I get home.  The last couple of days she's been asking me what I eat and how much, etc.  She's obviously suspicious to some degree.  She told me I should make myself a sandwich when I get home.  I told her I have a Fiber One bar that I would eat, and she told me that's not enough after I burned off what I ate this morning at work.  I didn't think there was a problem with it, especially since it was after 9pm and I probably shouldn't be eating that late anyway.  But I didn't say that to her.  I already had the bar in my bag so I took it out and ate it on the way home.  When we got home I ended up eating a lot.  I had a bowl of Progresso Light vegetable soup (a whole can - 128 calories) and then decided I would have cereal.  Instead of having my safe fat-free Special K I ate two servings of Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch with my skim milk.  Then about an hour later I had an orange.  I recorded everything and seemed to be done for the night.  I was full.  I didn't want to eat any more.  But then, just a while ago, I found myself looking through the cabinets and fridge, and ended up taking out some lunch meat and cheese... and it wasn't my fat-free cheese either.  I sat there and zoned out, stuffing my face with tons of cheese and ham.  I finally stopped and felt disgusted.  I don't even know how much of it I ate.  I want to weigh myself so bad, but there's no way.  I really need to go to my best friend's house (whom I lived with before being hospitalized again and moved back with my mom) and get my scale.  My scale is more accurate.  It has decimals!  The scale here doesn't.  It just has whole numbers, and I hate that.

I have off from work tomorrow so I will be sitting around most of the day doing nothing.   Joe is still mad at me but I did eventually end up calling him back so he could tell me how fucked up I am to do "such a thing" to him.  Whatever.  I feel really bloated right now and I'm really hating it.  I haven't taken my water pills since 1pm.  I was scheduled to take them on my break at 7, but never went upstairs to get my jacket because it was so nice out and I already had my cigarettes in my pocket.  I suppose I will take them now and then go watch some TV until I get tired.

So I got a bit manic last night (I'm bipolar).  Very manic actually.  I honestly thought I wouldn't sleep, but I finally went to bed around 7 this morning.  I was watching TV shows online and I went into the bathroom and noticed the scale went incognito.  My first thought was that my mom did it.  I went in my older brother's room (because only he would be awake at 3 in the morning) and we talked.  I mentioned that the scale mysteriously went missing and he went and looked to make sure I wasn't crazy.  We somehow started talking about eating disorders and what they do to you and I found myself going in major detail about calories and what they're made up of and weight loss and the like.  I don't remember how, but we started talking about the manic episode I had while I was in the hospital which I guess I never told him about.  He was very interested in it.  Then I found myself actually becoming manic.  When I had that manic episode last year it was like everything in the world made perfect sense and everything was so peaceful and it was like I had this massive energy that changed everything.  Suddenly I started to feel like that again (not quite to the extent it was before).  When I had that episode it was almost like I had super senses, and that's what I felt like sort of last night.  So he was making me watch this video and then I instantly got extremely tired after being so wired.  I heard my mom wake up and then my little brother so I went to bed.

I set my alarm for 11, but I didn't get to sleep that long.  Joe called me all pissed off about me not calling him back last night and I said it's not a big deal and he started raising his voice at me saying the same thing that he always says: I always make time to talk to my friends but I never talk to him.  Fucking bullshit.  So he hung up on me and of course calls me back two seconds later and he started getting mad and raising his voice again and I told him I'm not in the mood and I just woke up and he yells at me to stop screaming at him so I hung up on him and ignored the 27 calls after that.  I finally listened to the five voicemails he left me.  He kept saying, "You better fucking call me back right fucking now because I'm not playing your fucking games, Amy."  You really think I'm gonna call you back if you're talking to me like that?  Fuck no.  I've only been awake for a little more than an hour and I'm already fucking pissed.

I go back in the bathroom and realize the scale is still missing.  I cannot start my day without weighing myself. This means, until I find this scale, I can't eat, I can't shower, I can't drink.  I tore apart my mom's room and found nothing.  I looked in all the closets in the bathroom and the hallway.  I even looked in the freaking oven.  Nowhere to be found.  After freaking out, I called my mom at work.  I'm thinking she put it in her car.  Tricky bitch.  "Hey, mom... did you happen to notice that the bathroom scale is missing all of the sudden?"  She said she saw that this morning, but that it didn't bother her because "no one uses it" and she thought that I might have taken it (what the hell am I going to do with it?  Put it under my pillow?).  I told her that my older brother said he had no clue.  I highly doubt my little brother had anything to do with it.  So I told her I would look in my older brother's room.  He is notorious for lying, after all.  I went in there and looked around as much as I could without waking him up.  Finally I got mad and woke him up and asked where it was and I said I didn't care if he knew and I would give him a cigarette if he told me.  He still claims to not know.  I'm really fucking pissed off now.  It didn't just grow legs and walk the fuck out of there in the middle of the night.  So I'm pretty sure one of them is lying, but I don't know which one.  Now I have to wait until 3 in the afternoon for my little brother to get home from school to ask him.  But there's no way I can wait all day for that and have time to get ready for work at 5.  That's if he even knows anything.  Where the fuck could it possibly be?  I don't fucking get it.  This is driving me up a fucking wall.  It didn't just poof into thin air.  I need to weigh myself or I cannot do anything.  I'm really fucking pissed right now.  I guess I'll be spending the next however many hours tearing up the house for the third time and going crazy looking for it.  This is fucking madness.

So I weighed myself again before I took a shower, even though at that point I had eaten... and I was a pound less than when I woke up somehow.  But that may change by tomorrow.  I ended up eating a lot today.  I did manage to spread it out fairly well throughout the day, but it was still a LOT.  A total of 1044.5 calories!!!  Totally wasn't my plan.  I had breakfast (around 10:30am), lunch (around 2pm), snack (around 4pm), dinner (around 10pm), snack (around 11pm).  Breakfast was 236 calories (all healthy and fat free), lunch was 158.5 calories (all healthy and 2.5g fat), the first snack was 253 calories (still all healthy and 5g fat).  I fucked up and ate a plain bagel with two slices of melted fat-free cheese (317 calories and 1g fat) for dinner.  The last snack was just a cup of skim milk - 80 calories.  Totally could have lived without the stupid bagel and be under 1000 for the day, which is still an awful lot.

Went to work and felt physically good.  I made sure of that by eating before I went in.  Dave was there and he ignored me the whole time (didn't even say hi) but he was watching me like a freaking hawk so I acted extra energetic while he was around.  Nothing really interesting happened today except that I caught (kind of caught) this teenage boy stealing a candy bar right in front of me, but when I told the loss prevention guy, we couldn't find the kid and I was watching the door for him but I didn't see him leave.  Brian, the loss prevention guy, said he wasn't going to kill himself over a stolen Butterfinger, and to just let it go.  I didn't have to push carts at all again today because the boys were there again, so that was good.  I'm really, really anxious about tomorrow and having the meeting with Dave and Jenn.  I really don't want to lose my job because of some stupid crap like ED.  I hope I make it to see cashier training on Saturday.

So I will probably weigh more tomorrow.  Great.  Maybe I will do better tomorrow.  I need to make sure I eat something before work again so I might have a better chance with Dave.  I'm really scared...

Gained a pound.  Thought I would.  Kinda mad.  But today (last night, rather) I decided I need to start eating substantially at least once a day for my job's sake.  I need this job, I cannot lose it.  So I ate breakfast for the first time in forever.  I had Special K Red Berries cereal (one cup - 116) with a half-cup of skim milk (40) and a Dannon Light & Fit yogurt (80).  I decided I will have a Fiber One bar (94.5) before work and possibly some light Pringles (64/serving but probably not going to have a full serving) so I'll look alive at least.  I just realized that's only 394.5 calories for the whole day and only 2.5g fat,  but damn that seems like a lot of food.  Well my plan is to eat still and space it out enough and have energy for work but hopefully still lose some weight.  I'm back to taking my usual amount of water pills since I haven't been the last few days because my boyfriend's been over.  So I took them three times yesterday (300mg caffeine).  I need to buy more today after work, along with some sugar-free gum because I keep forgetting to buy more.  I need to save at least some money because I still need to go to the post office to mail a package to one of my friends who is going into treatment for a long time and I need money to go to Cape May to see Joe I guess... and I need cigarettes.  The money for Joe can wait because it's not like I can get down there this week anyway and I get paid again on Friday.  Two weeks from now I'll have a real nice paycheck from the two days of cashier training - that's 17 hours right there alone.  I only have off on Friday this week (and I had off on Monday) and I need to go to the doctor.  Not only do I need a check-up, but I'm also having another problem that I will not disclose here.  It's not exactly something people talk about in normal conversation (not like the amount of calories in everything I ate is).  But I bet you catch my drift.  So yeah.  This is such a crazy week and it's only Wednesday.

So I went grocery shopping with my mom today before work.  We left with a car full of food and paid about $250.  I got her to get some stuff for me, like lettuce, fat-free cheese, fat-free yogurts, fat-free cereal, light soups and pickles.  She paid me back for the $50 I loaned her on Friday when I got my paycheck so I bought myself a half gallon of fat-free milk and then after work I bought light Pringles that are fat-free, 90 calorie Fiber One bars and two things of my raspberry lemonade Crystal Light.  Go me.

When I went into work Jennifer was already upstairs doing her price tags since it's Tuesday.  I honestly felt kind of crappy when I went in and I told her that when she asked.  The very next thing she said to me was, "Saturday was scary as shit."  She told me that the assistant manager, Dave, was really scared.  She said he told her that he's seen me looking like I'm "ready to pass out" on several occasions.  I asked her if she told him anything and she didn't answer me directly right away so I got scared.  She said that since he's part of management he needs to know what's going on because he's so concerned and she only told him that she does know what's going on with me but that I had told her in confidence.  He asked her to tell me that I need to talk to him about it and she said she'll be there with me for support.  She'll be there again on Thursday and I guess we'll do it then.  The part that really upset me though was that she said he could possibly let me go for this because I'm still on the probation period.  She told me that after the incident on Saturday a lot of people were asking about me.  I asked her if she thinks people are suspicious and she said probably.  She said that I look sick and I asked how and she said I look really thin and I'm very pale.  I told her I'm really not that thin and I'm only about five pounds underweight and I'm pale because I'm Irish.  She just said she would really hate if I got let go and she didn't want to see me go to a hospital either (not like that would happen).  But whatever.  I went downstairs and bagged all night.  I didn't have to push carts at all because two of the boys were there.  But the new store manager is making us do announcements over the loud speaker every ten minutes about the different deals we have in the different departments so I did that a lot because no one else wanted to and they said they loved how I did it because everyone else sounded dead when they did it.  Oh, and I cleaned the sink in the break room because Jenn couldn't take the smell of it and it was really nasty.  But yeah.

I  left work and went home and had kind of a lot to eat even though I really wasn't that hungry.  I had some of the Pringles, a bowl of Special K with skim milk, a fat-free yogurt, a Fiber One bar, a piece of fat-free cheese, and then I broke down and had a freaking bowl of ice cream.  So stupid.  I would guesstimate around 800 calories today.  I'll probably weigh more tomorrow because I ate so late.  I'm going to make an attempt to eat something every day, especially before I go to work because I don't want to lose my job.  I'm not looking forward to talking to Dave about this, but at least Jenn will be there.  It's going to be so awkward.  I hate talking to guys.  I don't like guy doctors or guy therapists, so why would I want to talk to a guy about this who isn't a professional either?  So I'm kind of nervous about that.  I'm going to try staying in the weight range I am now.  At least tomorrow I won't be overwhelmed by all the food we have in the house now because I guess I got it out of my system tonight.  You know, I haven't even recorded anything I've eaten since Thursday.  That's kind of really annoying me but what can I do.   I will start fresh tomorrow I suppose.

I talked to Joe and he said he's in Cape May now with his brother, so that's good.  And it's also good because he's spending time with him and probably (hopefully) won't call me as much.

I just keep thinking... do I really look sick?  Jenn said she doesn't think I would see it anyway, but I look really sick.  I'm kind of figuring that it's an exaggeration because she doesn't have an ED.  That's what I'm hoping anyway.  If I really looked sick then someone I know would tell me, right?  I would hope so.  I think I look fine.  You can't tell I'm underweight.  I probably won't start looking underweight until I lose ten more pounds.  Not that I'm making that a plan, just saying.

These last few days were kind of blah.  I feel kind of numb unless I'm angry (which I am a lot more now lately).  The days are going by so fast and they don't mean anything.  I don't really feel anything.  I just live.  I just go.

Okay.  Let's see.  The last time I posted was Thursday.  It's now Tuesday.  Woah.  Okay.  So Thursday night I had the worst binge of my life and gained four pounds the next day.  I felt so completely horrible.  My boyfriend showed up at my door a little before 8 on Friday morning.  So we hung out all day in between our routine fighting and sex.  Woo hoo.  He got drunk and whatever, blah, blah, blah.  We got into a big fight because I  had made plans to go see a movie with a friend (who is a guy) that night after he left and he flipped out and whatever.  We ended up all going together because I told my boyfriend that the guy was gay (which he's not, but he could pass).  He ended up staying the night.  I had work on Saturday from 5-9.  He stayed at my house until I got back.  I was at work near the end of my shift pushing carts outside and suddenly he comes up out of nowhere smoking a cigar.  He expected me to walk back with him.  Ha! Right.  My mom was going to pick me up but he told her not to.  WTF.  So I go back inside and clock out and I see that Jennifer is leaving.  She offered us a ride and I said no and we went to look at cheese.  Then I realized, once I got to the cheese, "What the hell am I doing?  Free ride!" so I made him run with me outside to her car and we caught her just in time for her to give us a ride back.  He slept over again.  I had work on Sunday from 12-4.  At this point I need to add some things in the story, like how while my boyfriend was here I was eating.  Not quite normally,  but enough to make him satisfied because he knows.  But thank God I didn't binge in the least.  Not that we have any food in the house now to do that.  Also, I'd been taking my water pills a little less.  Still at least once a day, but not four.  Not even three.  I was lucky if I could sneak in two times a day.  So I went to work on Sunday at 12 and I hadn't eaten anything all day.  But, I did go and take a sample of pineapple (which was one tiny piece of pineapple).  Around 3 Jennifer asked me to go push carts, so I did.  The parking lot was so crowded and every time I pushed carts, more and more people just took them away.  I was so frustrated.  People kept coming close to hitting me.  Like, seriously, it's a fucking parking lot.  The speed limit is 10MPH, not fucking 50.  Jeez.  So after a while I started to feel funny.  I was out of breath and dizzy.  I decided I need to go inside.  I went home in half an hour anyway. So I go in and put my coat in the break room.  My vision is all fuzzy and I feel like I'm looking through a tunnel.  I go up to customer service and ask Jenn if I can sit down.  She looks at me and asks what's wrong and I just go sit on the little stool on the side by the CoinStar.  After she finishes helping a customer she comes over and asks me what's wrong.  I told her I'm dizzy and I don't feel good.  She asked what I ate and I told her I had a piece of pineapple.  She offered to buy me a banana or an orange juice and I declined, thinking, "Are you crazy?  I'm not eating in front of all these people."  So she just looked at me and walked away.  Another front-end person, Camille, came over and asked what's wrong.  I told her I'm fine, I just need to sit for a minute because I don't feel good.  She offered to get me some water and I said I'll be fine so she walked away.  She actually went to get Dave, the assistant manager.  So he comes over and tells me I don't look good and if there's anything I need.  "Did you eat today?"  I told him I ate right before I came in and that I just need to sit for a minute and I'll be fine.  It started to get embarrassing because the other cashiers kept looking at me and asking what was wrong with me and talking about me.  I finally decided I need to get up.  So I did and I got some water from the water fountain and started bagging again.  I felt a little better.  I was fine.  My shift ended fifteen minutes later and I went to clock out.  Joe came in to get me and he told me my mom needed pasta sauce for dinner.  I only had $11 and 10 of that was for his train ride back.  I told him to go wait outside in the car so I can get my stuff from upstairs and get the sauce.  He asked what was wrong and I told him I just didn't feel good and I was tired.  I got a medium sized can of pasta sauce and went to check out at customer service because the registers were packed.  Jennifer told me that I'm lucky I got up when I did because Dave wanted to call an ambulance.  For what?!  I said that's ridiculous because I didn't pass out or anything and I was fine but she said I scared the shit out of him.  Whatever.  She told me I should try to eat something with potassium in it, as if that's my problem.  I said, yeah, sure, and left.

Yesterday was Valentine's Day and it was so fucking crazy.  Joe slept over again on Sunday night.  We woke up and took a shower and whatever and then he was trying to find his biological brother who he was told was dead but someone had just told him he wasn't.  So he found him on Facebook and messaged him and got a message back with a number to call.  So he did.  They talked and his brother is living all the way in Cape May, which is about 2-3 hours away from here at the very bottom of New Jersey.  Then he told me I should go live with him and his brother.  WHAT?  I told him I don't know, that I just got a job and I was going to try to go to school in the fall here and I'm trying to get my life together after moving a million times in the last two years.  Here goes another fight.  Big one.  Basically we fought off and on for the rest of the night and he told me he's breaking up with me because there's no way he'll be able to see me.  Then he tells me he's going to move to Florida.  Really.  He really pissed me the fuck off.  He left to go to the train station finally and I called him and we got into a huge fight again over the same shit and he started swearing at me and calling me out of my name and all that other good stuff.  Then he was talking about going back to shooting heroin and all this other shit and killing himself, blah, blah.  Whatever.  By the end of the night we "made up" and I told him I would call him today when I woke up.  I finally went to bed.

I woke up today and didn't call him right away (I usually wait a little bit).  I weighed myself (lost a pound), took a shower, had my cigarette, la-de-da.  My mom wants me to go food shopping with her in a while.  Then I have work from 5-9.  I'm relieved that Joe is finally gone because he was down my throat the whole time.  There was a bunch of other shit that happened but there's just so many details that I don't feel like getting in to.  I'll give you a few.  My mom finally noticed that I was losing weight.  Haha.  Took her twenty pounds.  She said, "Am, did you lose a couple pounds?"  Yeah, just a couple.  I told her I gained.  She doesn't really care.  That was that.  Joe made a comment one night about the way I was eating and I got really upset about it.  That's pretty much all I feel like posting for now.

I lost a pound today.  I woke up, took a shower, ate my meal for the day and went back to bed because I was so tired.  I didn't want to get out of bed again and I kept pushing snooze on my alarm.  I finally got up at 2:40 to finish getting ready for work at 4.  I had to walk again.

I felt like shit on the way there.  Even though I just at 377 calories.  I almost got hit by a car, but that always happens.  I went up to the break room and something horrible came over me and I just broke down crying.  Luckily I got there ten minutes early so I had time to get it out of my system before I had to go downstairs.  When I went downstairs the new dickhead store manager confronted me and spewed a bunch of senseless bullshit that I already know about the absolute need to greet every single customer and ask them if they need help, blah, blah, blah.  He made me mad.  I felt like he was talking down to me.  Like I don't know how to do my freaking job.  I wanted to cry again.  I felt like a baby.  I eventually got over it.  Not much happened at work.  I bagged, did a few returns, collected baskets, cleaned the registers.  I was only there for four hours but it felt like eight.  The whole time I kept thinking about food.  I kept thinking about stuffing my face.  I was so hungry.  Before I left I went to produce and picked out ten grapes from a bag and put them in a separate bag.  I paid 32 cents for them and left.  In the car I shoved them down my throat.

I keep thinking about just eating a small meal a day.  Just one.  Not a giant calorie dense one, but something small.  I've successfully completed day four of ABC.  Tomorrow I can only have 100 calories.  It's so weird having a different amount every day.  I don't know what I can eat for 100 calories.  A piece of bread?  I was thinking about killing the rest of the salad with a little bit of dressing.  Three tablespoons of the dressing is 75 calories and the rest of the bag is probably 20.  There you go.  I'm so fucking hungry.  I just want to eat a grocery store.  Buy one of everything.  But then after I get full I'll be stuck with a bunch of shit food.  I hate, hate, hate seeing people at work buy things I used to love eating.  Chips, meat, cookies, JUNK.  I fucking hate it.  I'm so jealous.  I don't even have any gum left.  Ugh, I'm going to lose it!!!

You know, it's really annoying starting the first paragraph of this stupid blog because it's pretty much the same every day.  When I woke up, if I lost/gained, what my plans are for the day.  It's probably really annoying to read every day.  So I'm going to try to stop that.  Because I highly doubt it matters what time I woke up.

I maintained today.  My social worker picked me up just after 12pm to take me to Planned Parenthood.  We got there and told them we're a walk-in and the first lady let us in.  But the second lady said we needed an appointment.  So my social worker was mad because she came all the way up here for nothing.  She wanted to see my brother when he got home from school and she didn't want to go all the way back down to another county and then come back up here later.  So we decided to go to a shopping center.  She wanted to go to Baby Depot for some reason.  So we looked at all the cute little crap there and then I told her I'm hungry (LOL).  She looked at me weird because she actually happens to know I'm struggling and then she agreed to take me to this little cafe like place in the shopping center.  Today is my third day of ABC so I'm allowed 300 calories.  Knowing this, I figured this would be my meal for the day because I doubt there would be much I could get for under 300.  I went in there and surprisingly they had a "light" menu.  The lowest thing on there was a parfait, but I didn't think that would satisfy my hunger for a whole day.  So I got tuna on a whole wheat bagel - just under 300.  It was good.  She brought me back and we talked to my mom (obviously not telling her we went to PP) and then she left.  I got ready for work.

I had work from 5-9 tonight.  I went in about fifteen minutes early.  My right foot is swollen and blistered all over so I was sort of limping the whole time because apparently blisters hurt really bad.  I went downstairs and the assistant manager, Dave, asked me to blow up pink balloons for Valentine's Day.  I did.  I went back to the floor and bagged.  Then Sabrina, one of the front-end managers (whom no one likes at all because she's a bitch), gave me a list of things to do.  Take back baskets, do returns, clean the bathrooms, take out the trash.  Fine.  I did it all.  I go back and bag some more.  There's practically no customers.  I asked my co-worker Shannon if there was anyone working that smoked because my mom didn't give me a cigarette before I got out of the car and I was supposed to go on break soon.  Some girl named Christi from the bakery was checking out something so she could go on break and Shannon told me she's the only one.  So I asked to bum a cigarette.  "How old are you?" Listen, I know I look like a prepubescent girl.  We don't need to rub it in.  "I'm eighteen."  She looked at me in disbelief.  "Yeah, I'll think about it."  Whatever.  Sabrina yells at me and tells me I can't be sitting around doing nothing (as if) or they'll cut my hours so I need to do something.  So gave me a basket of more crap to return.  That really annoyed me because of the way she said it.  As if I sit there all damn night doing nothing.  I bust my ass, thanks.  Ask anyone else.  You're just a bitch.  Rick, the "person in charge" (his actual title), came to save me.  He asked me to stock some shelves.  I thought that was so cool.  So I did.  Then I needed to go on break before I came back and did more.  I went up to the break room and grabbed my coat and water bottle and also the only form of ID I have to show Chrisi that I'm legal. She gave me a cigarette and I went outside.  Pretty much the rest of my night was spent stocking shelves, which I enjoyed actually.  It was time for me to clock out and I wanted to go look at low-calorie and fat-free foods.  Even though my mom was already waiting for me outside.  Who cares.  Fuck her.  I went for the hot dogs that are supposed to be 45 calories.  I only had $1.25 in quarters on me, so I obviously wasn't going to be able to buy them.  I rushed to the cheese, my favorite.  I found this 24-calorie Kraft Singles American Cheese Kelly told me about,  but it's something like $4.29 for a 24-pack of singles.  That fucking sucks.  I give up and decide I'll shop when I get paid on Friday.  I leave.

Nothing really interesting has happened since I've been home.  My mom and brothers started fighting about fighting with each other (ridiculous, I know).  I'm ridiculously sore, and I'm probably going to bed soon.  Tomorrow I can have 400 calories, so I think I will have a bowl of cereal and whole milk (unfortunately that's the only milk we have).  Maybe a piece of cheese for a snack or some salad, if there's any left.  Yup.

Today I woke up around 10:30am after I particularly weird dream that I don't even remember.  I felt icky.  I went and did my routine and found myself maintaining again.  Third day in a row.  I hopped on Facebook for a bit and then decided to go back to bed.  I set my alarm for 1:00.  However, I didn't go to sleep.  I cried in my bed for thirty minutes because I miss my dad.  After I got over  myself, and got out of bed around 12:30 and back online.  My cell phone alarm went off at 1:00 and I ignored it.  Around 2 I got in the shower and I was suddenly in a good mood so I brought my iPod in there and sang in the shower.  But before I got in the shower, I weighed myself once more.  I did lose a pound! I was really excited.  I got ready for work and straightened my hair even (which I rarely do) and went back on the computer until my little brother got home from school just before 3pm.  I grabbed my things and was out the door fifteen minutes later.

I had to be at work at four.  The walk to work was excruciating for two reasons.  One, it was so terribly windy out and I almost got knocked over on several occasions (and it messed up my hair); and two, despite the fact that I know now to put band-aids on the back of my heels and ankles to prevent getting cut up by my shoes, the band-aids came off and it happened anyway.  So the second half of my walk to work was more of a painful limp.  I got to work pretty early and went up to the break room.  I searched my bag for a new band-aid with no luck.  Not only did my heels get cut up, the puddles outside got in my shoes and my feet were soaked and nasty.  Great.  Four hours of walking around in nasty shoes.  I heard other employees at the bottom of the break room stairs and went to ask them where I could get a band-aid.  There was a man I'd never seen before in a suit and some guy from produce.  The produce guy brought me to a first aid kit and gave me a band-aid.  I went back up to the break room, put it on, washed my hands and went downstairs to clock in five minutes early.  Wendy was down there and she greeted me with, "Hey, theeerrrreee's Amy!" which made me smile.  She's really nice.  I clocked in with my new name badge but it didn't work, so I used my old number.  Off to bag.  I was bagging for this girl, Breianna, and she asked me if I could switch hours with her on Saturday.  I agreed and I'm now working her 5-9 rather than my former 11-4.  Also, she told me that the strange man I saw earlier was the new store manager.  Apparently he's a jerk.  Great.

I had to help an elderly disabled woman bring her groceries to her car.  I brought them to her car and I was putting the cart back to the front when Jennifer walked out to have a cigarette (which made me laugh because she just got there five minutes before - she's a fiend).  She asked how I was doing and I said I was feeling pretty good today and she told me I looked better.  At first I didn't like that.  I thought it meant "you look like you gained weight."  I paused for a second before replying, "Yeah, uh, I feel a little better for today."  I want back inside and bagged some more.  Today is Tuesday which means it's Jennifer's day to spend four hours in the break room by herself sorting price tags.  About twenty minutes later Wendy tells me I need to push carts because there's no one else to do it.  So I go up and get my coat from the break room.  Jennifer is up there with Dinea (one of the other front-end people), who is on her break.  They both ask what I'm doing and I tell them I have to push carts so they say in unison, "Wear your coat, you don't wanna get sick" to which I reply, "It's okay, I'm already sick... in the head."  Jennifer chuckles but Dinea doesn't know me that well so I guess she didn't know what to think of the comment.  I go out and push carts for what feels like forever.  I finish at quarter after five and bring my coat back up to the break room.  I was heading for the door to go back downstairs when Jennifer says, "So are you really doing okay?" so I stopped and talked to her for a bit.  I told her about my binge period and how I gained back four of the six pounds I lost from my five-day fast.  She told me I really don't need to lost weight, blah, blah, blah.  Then she told me she was going to ask her friend for numbers for treatment centers.  I just said 'thank you,' even though I'm not considering treatment.  She said Dinea asked about me after I went downstairs earlier.  She asked Jennifer if there was something wrong with me.  Jenn said she didn't tell her anything, just that I was a nice girl and a hard worker and whatnot.  Okay, whatever.  I went back downstairs and did returns for a while until about 6:10 when I went back upstairs to go on break.  I went outside for a cigarette and back upstairs for the last five minutes of my break to talk to Jennifer.  We talked about school because she's a middle school math teacher and I told her about my crazy middle school years and how misbehaved I was.  I went back downstairs and went back to bagging.  Wendy came up to me and gave me a little business card-looking thing with my name and her signature and today's date.  It was a "good customer service" card, and she said I got it for doing a really good job.  This made me smile.  I was told to put it in a box at customer service.  Apparently this box is like a monthly raffle and a card gets picked out and the 'winner' gets a $25 or $50 gift card.  Awesome.  More bagging.  Around 7:30 I got bored so I did the rest of the returns.  I was by the back of the store when a customer asked me where the bathroom was.  I pointed it out to her and she said, "If I leave my stuff right here, can you watch it until I get back?"  I tell her yes, and she leaves her purse and a water bottle on a Hostess display table.  Two seconds later I totally forget about it and continue through the aisles doing returns.  About ten minutes later, five aisles over, the woman comes walking down the aisle I'm in with her kid.  I'm on the side of the aisle, not even in her way, and she comes by and rudely shouts, "Excuse me!" and I instantly remember that I was supposed to watch her stuff and I totally just left it there up for grabs.  I felt so, so horrible.  I feel like I failed a customer.  She was quite clearly annoyed.  I ran out of the aisle to the other side of the store.  I looked at my phone and thank God I did because it was 7:58 and I needed to clock out.  I bring the cart back to the front and clock out.  I go upstairs, grab my stuff, back downstairs, grab some Crystal Light, check out and pay $4 in quarters.  Bye!

My mom is waiting in the car.  Of course she doesn't ask me how work was.  I don't expect her to anyway.  She tells me a cop told her to park her car in the parking lot and not in front of the store or she'll get a ticket.  I've told her this countless times, but apparently it takes a cop to make her a believer.  We get home and I take off my work clothes and get ready to do laundry.  I carry my clothes out to the kitchen where the washer is and my mom screams at me, "We don't have any fucking detergent!" so I scream back that I don't have clean work clothes.  I storm back out into the living room and throw them on the floor just as she changes her mind and says we have just enough for one load.  I go back and throw everything in there.  Back to the living room.  I decide I need to eat since I'm tricking myself into thinking I'm doing ABC.  500 calories.  I go in the kitchen and think about what we have.  I start with a salad and my light dressing.  My mom yells at me because I didn't shake the dressing first.  There's 65 calories.  Hmm.  It's almost like a game.  I go in the fridge and look around.  Most of everything is really old.  We still have cranberry sauce from Thanksgiving.  There's a package of hot dogs in the side of the door.  They're 114 calories each.  Two for 228.  Okay, how much is the bread?  I check - they're 81 a piece.  Two hot dogs with two slices of bread: 390 calories.  Okay, so 390 there and 65 from the salad... 455.  What the hell is there in my house to eat that's 45 calories?  I went back in the living room to eat my hot dogs while I thought.  Crumbs from the bag of chips.  I estimated the crumbs to total about three chips, about a quarter of a serving.  Thirty-eight calories.  Perfect enough.  Done - ABC Day 2 - 493 calories.

Tomorrow my social worker is picking me up at noon to take me to Planned Parenthood to be checked out and get lots of nice goodies like condoms, emergency contraception and pregnancy tests.  Oh, boy!  Then I'm working from 5-9.  Tomorrow is day three of ABC for me: 300 calories.

Ehh.  So I tried watching TV and knitting and all that good stuff.  My mom made me go out to the store with her because she's "too dizzy" to go by herself and has no clue why. Gee, I dunno, Mom.  Maybe you should FUCKING EAT SOMETHING, YOU DUMB BITCH.  Jesus. It's not fucking rocket science why you feel like that, I think I would fucking know.  I'm getting so fucking sick of her moping around because she's "sick" and "dizzy" and "queasy" and all the other stupid fucking bullshit she complains about.  MAYBE IF YOU FUCKING ATE SOMETHING SUBSTANTIAL AND STOPPED DRINKING SO FUCKING MUCH YOU WOULDN'T FEEL LIKE THAT, YOU FUCKING MORON! God, she really fucking pisses me off.  I'm so fucking sick of her.  She always plays "poor me" and it's so fucking old.

Sorry, I really needed to get that out.

Anyway.  I came back from the store with her and went back to my bed in the living room with the TV on.  Thoughts raced in my head for about an hour about eating something.  I'll just eat something small... no, no, you said you wouldn't... but I'm hungry, it's okay... no, it's not!  Maybe a salad... no, I don't want a salad, I want a hot dog... What the fuck, no you don't! etc., etc.  I ended up going in the kitchen and eating two cups of lettuce with my reduced fat dressing.  I quickly added it up in my head to a total of 65 calories.  Then for some reason I thought, well, I could just eat around 500 and say I'm starting ABC... then I won't feel as bad about eating when I wasn't supposed to at all.  So I go back in my fridge and estimate how many slices of cheese I can eat.  I eat four, leaving me a 115-calorie budget for the rest of the night.  Part of me feels the need to get as close to 500 as I can.  I go in the cabinet and look for soup.  The only soup we have is Chicken Gumbo, reduced calorie.  I take it and heat it up.  A glance at the small can tells me it has 70 calories.  Perfect, I thought.  Then I panicked.  You dumbass! That's only for one serving! I snatch the can up and it tells me there are 2.5 servings per can.  What the fuck!  I do the real calorie counting, and see that a serving is actually 65 calories.  Okay, so that's 195 per can... that's too much!!  I ate it anyway.  It was delicious.  After freaking about going over by 80 calories, I decided to walk four miles to and from the dollar store.  I still feel horrible.  I can't even eat a little bit, what the hell.  But I guess if I want to play these mind games back, I'm going to pretend it's okay, that I'm starting ABC and this was Day 1.  We'll see how this goes.  I have a feeling the scale won't budge for another day.

I realized lately that this has been so up and down for me the past week.  I'm not sure what's going on.  I just don't want to gain weight.  At all.  I don't even like my weight, even though I'm underweight.  And I'm always bloated.  I always look fat.  When I fasted those five days last week I felt good.  Now I just feel like a horrible pig.

I woke up around 9:30 this morning because I was expecting my boyfriend to show up sometime.  I maintained my weight today, unsurprisingly, and I'm sort of upset about it.

The day is uneventful so far (it's only just after 2 in the afternoon).  I talked to my boyfriend on Facebook and we had a fight (nothing new there).  He said he can't make it today but he wants to come up on Friday and see a movie.  Well we got into a fight because while I was talking to him I told him I wanted to go lay down because my stomach hurt (as it usually does in the mornings) and he started flipping out.  "YOU NEVER FUCKIN' TALK TO ME" yadda yadda.  Bullshit.  I talked to him for an hour more of his bitching and signed off.  My social worker called me and we talked for a while.  She's upset still because of that fact that I'm sexually active and not using protection.  So she's taking me to a clinic on Wednesday for a walk-in to possibly get checked out and get some birth control and the like.  Woo hoo.

I really hope to fast today, but still, as it's been for the last two-three days now, I feel like eating.  Not because I'm hungry - I'm not.  I'm not really sure why.  Just because.  Because it just sounds like a good idea.  But I can only picture myself eating junk.  Again.  And again, and again.  So I'm staying out of the kitchen as much as possible for the day.  I know at some point my stomach is going to pretend it's hungry and try dragging me in there but I will not, shall not go.  I will knit, I will watch TV, I will sleep, I will talk on the phone.

I had fun last night doing lots of math (yes, I know I'm odd).  I went through my entire food journal and calculated the daily percentage of fats, carbs and proteins I'd eaten.  When I went back to look at it, I realized that most of my caloric intake is carbohydrates, and the least is protein.  Not surprising.  The highest percentage of protein I'd eaten in a day was 26.3% of my calories.  Hmm.

I realized that I post on here probably twice a day now, and my posts are very boring.  I've come to the conclusion that I really need a life, and people to talk to.  Probably a therapist would be good.  Either way, it's not like I'm hurting anyone by posting.

So.  I sat around mostly all day.  I talked to Kelly on the phone a bit and my friend Zhaniah.  The super bowl came on at 6:30 and I decided to put it on for the commercials while I sit and knit.  I kept thinking about the last unopened bag of chips I bought the other day that I gave to my mom for her and her boyfriend to eat during the game.  Well, her boyfriend never came back and she was sitting around being all depressed.  So I went in her room and took the chips.  A serving size is 13 chips.  I ate the whole bag.  It wasn't as big as the one I had the other day - it was a 3.75oz bag.  But regardless, 600 calories of crap inside of me.  Then I decided I wanted to eat more because I wanted to taste something.  I got into the fridge and grabbed some lowfat yogurt and poured 1/4 cup of Raisin Bran cereal in there.  There goes 300 more, at least.  Haha, I think, I'm so fat.  Need to jog.  It's 8:00 at night.  I tell my mom I'm going for a walk and she complains that it's dark out, even though I walk in the dark all the time.  The only thing she doesn't want me to do is walk up the highway at night.  Guess what I did?  I grabbed my coat, my iPod, my Crystal Light and seven dollars and trekked two miles to work.  Up the highway.  In the dark.  I started jogging on the way there, for about 30 seconds until I couldn't breathe anymore (I have exercise-induced asthma... and I smoke on top of that).  So I just power walked to the best of my ability.  I got there within 25 minutes and it was nearly completely empty.  I honestly thought it was closed.  I went in and marched up and down every aisle, not looking for anything in particular.  I saw Shannon, the obese girl who I talked to the other night, standing alone at her register.  I went up there and talked to her for a bit and then went to look at gum.  I picked up a 60 pack of sugar-free Juicy Fruit.  Then I went up and down the rest of the store.  I came across aisle 8, the junk aisle.  At the end of the aisle there's a bunch of candy and more gum.  I spent ten minutes looking through all of it.  I wasn't hungry, and I definitelty didn't need to eat any more than what I'd already eaten.  I pick up a box of Mike&Ike and stare down the nutrition facts before bringing it up to Shannon to buy it.  I leave and walk back.  I called Kelly back on my way home because it made me feel safer about walking in the dark at 9:00pm.

I feel so fat when I get home, even though I just walked for a good hour or so.  I put my stuff down and went on the computer.  I had a lovely chat in the WhyEat chatroom for the first time (it's always empty when I go in there) and now I'm contemplating doing some sit-ups before I take more water pills, possibly stay up for another five hours, knit some more and fall asleep.  However, I'm still in pain from the other night.  I'm not sure what I'll do, but I sense weight gain by morning.  I hate, hate, hate this so much.  I completely forgot my boyfriend is supposed to come up again tomorrow and he's going to see that I'm fat.  Ugh.

Wow.  Last night was crazy.  My euphoric mood lasted until about 4:30 in the morning when I finally passed out.  Let's see.  I went in the bathroom at one point last night and got this idea that I needed to take pictures of myself.  I rushed around the house looking for my mom's camera (which I actually broke, but I was praying it would work anyway).  After thirty minutes of going crazy searching for it, I finally found it in my mom's purse.  It still didn't work.  Because I was so desperate to take pictures of myself, I convinced myself that all it needed were new batteries.  I run up to my mom and go crazy telling her we must go out that very instant to buy AA batteries.  She obviously says no.  Her boyfriend was out still and I told her she needs to call him and tell him to pick some up on his way back.  She said he won't be back until 10 and I said I don't care, I need, need, need these batteries.  I go in the living room and start knitting a scarf because I just got some yarn back from my grandfather who untangled it.  I hear the door open and her boyfriend comes in the living room and gives me a dollar that he owed me.  I asked him if I can use his phone to take pictures and put them on Facebook.  He agrees.  I spend about an hour in the bathroom taking pictures and only come out with eight or nine that I approve of (out of about 100+).  We spend forever trying to configure his phone to send them to my email and I put them up.  I felt so good for some reason.  I spend a couple hours on Facebook talking to people and then I get off around 12:30 in the morning.  I'm so wired.  I take more water pills.  That makes it even worse.  I go back in the living room and turn the TV on and knit my scarf.  I'm rocking back and forth with my eyes pried open, and I'm sure I looked like a drug addict.  I turned the TV off around 2:30 and put on my iPod instead.  I felt so crazy.  I put it on shuffle songs.  I don't know all the words to all of the 966 songs on my iPod, but somehow, being as crazy as I was, I instantly knew every word to every song.  So I sat there, continued rocking back and forth, eyes pried open still, knitting this scarf and lip syncing to the words.  After another hour or so I started to zone out here and there and I got really confused, so I decided I needed to sleep.  I couldn't stop shaking.  I turned out the light and curled into a ball under my blankets and eventually fell asleep until about 1:00 this afternoon.

When I woke up I felt sore all over every inch of my body.  I got up and did my routine: cigarette, bathroom, scale.  I only lost a pound from yesterday, which was kind of upsetting because I wanted it to be more.  I looked in the mirror and it looked like I gained five pounds.  This made me upset.  Regardless, I left the bathroom and went online after taking my morning water pills.  I got a phone call from an old therapist and we talked for a while.  I caught her up on everything.  She was my therapist even before I got sick, and during, so she knows about everything.  Right now I'm not sure what I feel like doing.  I'm very indecisive lately.  I guess I'll go knit my scarf or something, maybe watch some TV until the super bowl comes on.  I don't watch football, but I love super bowl commercials.

Okay.  I went to bed finally a little after 2 in the morning, after doing 175 sit-ups (I was supposed to do 250, but my stomach hurt really bad after just 100 so I decided only half of what I needed to do more).  I was having this crazy dream where I was screaming and the next thing I know I'm awake in bed crying and moaning because my stomach is killing me.  I'm going to be sick.  It's 3:30 in the morning and I moan at my little brother to help me to the bathroom (I was keeled over). He gets up and gets a bucket with water first and then comes back to get me and walk me to the bathroom where I spend 10 minutes excreting all the lovely shit I ate into the toilet.  It was so gross and painful, and it felt like hot acid crawling up my throat.  I was so glad it was gone.  I drank a lot of water and contemplated taking some water pills but didn't in fear that I would be sick again.  Which I was.  I went into my older brother's room to have a cigarette and as I was sitting there, more comes up.  He hands me an empty cup and I go clean it out.  I go back to bed.

I had set my alarm for 8:30 this morning.  It went off and I fell back asleep because I felt shitty.  I woke up 45 minutes later and did my usual.  I gained three freaking pounds.  THREE. One, two, THREE.  Disgusting.  I throw my work pants in the wash and hop in the shower.  Off to work at eleven.

I get to work and it's crazy all day because tomorrow is the super bowl so everyone is buying their disgusting chips and soda.  Jennifer was there for the first 30 minutes of my shift.  She asked how I was feeling; I haven't seen or talked to her since the day she told me she knew about my ed.  I told her I was okay, that I got sick this morning, but I've been okay, I guess.  She leaves.  Another woman who works customer service - and apparently is the only person that Jennifer talks to - Wendy, calls me to courtesy.  She's the one who got me my work shirts finally, and the one who checked out all my junk food yesterday.  I went up there and she gave me my official name tag.  It's so much better than the one I had, which had a magnetic clasp thing.  This one has a clip, says my name in big, bold capital letters, has a picture of some fruit and says "Serving you since 2011."  For some reason, this made me smile.  A lot.  I smiled for the rest of the day.  And I got some random energy.  I just kept moving and moving, and I wouldn't stop.  People kept looking at me, but I didn't care.  I got off at 4 finally.  I clocked out and called my mom to ask if she needed me to pick up anything.  I got her some sour cream, onion soup mix, and cream of mushroom soup, as well as more crystal light hunger satisfaction, more water pills and a Snickers bar for my little brother as a thank-you for last night (I know, I'm really sappy).  Wendy checked me out at customer service.  I tried to make conversation to make it less awkward.  She probably thinks I'm weird.  Yesterday I buy a ton of crap, today I buy water pills and hunger satisfaction drinks.  We end up talking about jury duty and then I left.

I came home and put everything down before going to the bathroom to change and weigh myself again.  It said the same thing it said this morning: too much.  Went online for a little bit and then sat in bed to watch My Girl on TV.  I suddenly felt really, really hungry.  I went in the kitchen and almost lost it and had crap.  I thankfully ended up grabbing some lettuce and my reduced fat french dressing.  Then I was still hungry.  There was a bag of tortilla chips that only had crumbs left, so I ate the rest.  I'm just at 500 for the day and that's all I'm letting myself do.  I really wasn't supposed to have anything at all after last night's horrible binge.  I'm scared I will weigh more again tomorrow.  I really hate this.  At least I ate before 6:30.  I  have off until Tuesday and I need, need, need to keep busy and stay away from food.  I'm kind of mad that I'm not working tomorrow because it's super bowl Sunday and my mom is cooking.

Lately I feel so... blah.  I don't even know what day it is anymore.  Every day is the same.  I try to do different things, but it doesn't make a difference.  I'm missing something, and I don't know what it is.  I don't know what I want, and I think that's my problem (or one of many).  I'm lost.

Went to get my paycheck.  Bought lots of junk food.  Ate a whole 5oz bag of cheddar popcorn within 20 minutes.  Ate 2.5oz of Pringles.  So disgusting.  And then, just now, I ate a bowl of Mac & Cheese.  Why?! Because I'm fat.  Because I have no self-control.  Because I'm disgusting and stupid.  Tomorrow I will be 5lbs heavier. Great.

I'm seeing a friend tonight whom I haven't seen in ages.  He's going to college nearby and he wants me to show him around the area.

*Several hours later*

My friend Chris picked me up around 6:30 and I showed him around the area a bit before we decided to go to the mall.  I got two new shirts from Wet Seal.  Then I felt like eating.  What the fuck!!! We go to a Chick-fil-a and I get a small cookies & cream milkshake.  With whipped cream and a cherry.  While I'm still eating/drinking this milkshake, we go to Wendy's, and I get a double junior bacon cheeseburger.  And, as if that weren't enough, I get a medium natural-cut fries.  I'm ready to explode, but I shove the disgusting shit in my face anyway.  Today I had over 2500 calories of disgusting, fattening, gross, horrible shit.  YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH OF A FUCKING FAILURE I AM.  I AM SUCH A FUCK-UP AND I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF MYSELF.  I'm doing 250 sit-ups before bed.  I  have to.  There's no way I'm letting myself get off like this.  I weighed myself when I got home and the difference between now and this morning... +4lbs.  Seriously.  FUCKING FAT.  What the FUCK is wrong with me?!?!

ANYWAY, I asked Chris if he could take me to see Erica and he said sure.  So I went and surprised her.  We stayed there for almost an hour until she told me I had to go before she got in trouble because she's supposed to be working (duh).  So we left and Chris took me home.  I thanked him and offered him gas money but he wouldn't take it.  He's such a gentleman.

Tomorrow = no food.  NO, NO, NO and NO.  Not happening.  Nope.  Nothing.  Can't.  Won't.  Don't.  End of story.  I am so disgusting and fat and bloated and horrible right now, I want to blow up.  I'm doing sit-ups and whatever else until I pass out.  I have work tomorrow from 11-4 so I will keep busy. NO FUCKING FOOD.  EWEWEWEWEWEWEW. THAT IS HOW I FEEL.  AND I AM SO FUCKING MAD RIGHT NOW.

I actually got sleep last night for the first time in forever.  I'm thinking maybe because I ate.  Not sure.  I woke up feeling physically replenished, which was great.  To my dismay, after last night's little binge, I did gain a pound.  I haven't eaten so far today and don't necessarily plan to.  I'm really not hungry anyway.

My mom's boyfriend stayed home today and he's taking me to get my paycheck and buy me cigarettes.  I hope it's a decent paycheck because I also need minutes for my phone and more water pills (which I won't buy until Jennifer is working).  I also would like some money left over so I can take a train sometime to see my friend Kelly (yes, you, Kel) hopefully next weekend.  Depends on when I'm working.  If I'm not working on Sunday (which I'm about to find out) then I might even go down then.  Who knows.  But I miss her :(

I was excited this morning because I was looking for some jeans to wear and all the ones I had out were size 9 and too big.  I found a bag of older clothes with a pair of size 6s in them that run small and are more like a 4 and I haven't been able to fit them in a long time.  For the hell of it, I tried them on.  They were loose!  This kind of made my day.  Also on the subject of clothes, I finally got my work shirts last night.  They called me to customer service and handed them over.  I looked at the size "S" on the front of the packages and thought, "Are they serious?  I'm obviously a medium."  I almost went back and said something, but decided against it for some reason.  When I got home I opened them up and they are HUGE.  The one shirt might pass for a medium, but the other is obviously a large.  I'm going to be swimming in them.  My mom says they'll probably shrink, so I'm okay with that.

Only 11:30am here, will post again tonight.

I felt so shitty today (what else is new).  I waited for my little brother to come home from school at 3:00 before I walked to work.  I felt like I was going to fall down every second on the way there.  I made it there 25 minutes early and sat on the floor in the break room to catch my breath and wait for my heart to stop pounding 2837492 miles a minute.  I still haven't eaten since the weekend.  I went downstairs and clocked in.  I kept walking into things and all that good stuff, but I managed to stay standing the whole time.  I worked from 4:00-8:30.  Three minutes before my shift ended, my mom called me and left a voicemail.  I clocked out and got my stuff and went outside to wait for her, then listened to my voicemail and her message saying she can't get me right away because she's blocked in the driveway (we share a driveway).  So I smoke a cigarette and go back inside to sit down for five more minutes.  I go in the area between the doors that go outside and sit on a chair.  Then I got called to customer service.  My mom called and said she would be another half-hour.  I felt like I was dying.  I told myself I really needed to eat something.  Now.  I check my change purse and all I have is 84 cents.  After a lot of thought, I go buy a 50 cent bag of white cheddar popcorn and scarf it down.  I try not to eat it too fast because I don't want people looking at me weird like I haven't eaten in five days.  One of my co-workers, Shannon, comes up to talk to me because it's really slow.  She's nearly obese, but she's really nice.  I told her I can't wait to go home and raid my fridge.  She said she can't imagine me doing that, and that I must have a really high metabolism.  As if.  Finally, my mom's boyfriend picks me up around 9:30.  I asked him if my mom was cooking dinner.  I called her on his phone and she said no.  I came home and before anything else, grabbed the remaining crumbs left in a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos (my favorite).  There was barely anything in there, but I finished the bag.  I was still hungry.  I go back to the kitchen and make myself a sandwich.  Actually, a sandwich and a half.  Ham, cheese and mustard on white bread.  While I was preparing the sandwiches, I stuffed extra ham and cheese in my face.  By the time I went to eat the actually sandwich, I wasn't hungry anymore.  But I shoved it down my throat anyway, and that instant the thoughts came rushing through my head.  "Why the fuck did you do that?? You're going to gain five pounds by morning because you're so fucking stupid for eating this late at night, and eating this much when you haven't eaten in five days.  You have no metabolism and it will go right to your thighs, your stomach, your hips, EVERYWHERE.  You stupid, fat fucking pig."  I had a mini freak-out session in my head.  I can feel all the fat and nastiness attaching itself to my insides.  I already feel like I've gained five pounds.  I can't fucking believe myself.  I'm so angry.  But I had to do it.  No.  I didn't have to do it that much, not to that extent.  And I don't have work tomorrow so I'm going to gain even more weight.  I'm so fucking stupid.  I'm so fat and I'm so pathetic.  And no, I'm not really going to get help.  I don't need it.

For starters, I didn't get much sleep last night (nothing new there) because my whole body was so sore all over.  I ended up waking up around 9:30 but couldn't get out of bed for thirty minutes because I just didn't have it in me.  I finally got up to start my day around 10:00.  I went in the kitchen for my morning cigarette and felt like shit.  After that I went to the bathroom.  I took my clothes off as I always do before using the bathroom in the morning, and sat down.  Suddenly I felt like I was going to explode.  I started dry heaving (since I have absolutely nothing in my stomach) like crazy.  My heart was pounding and I felt numb.  Next thing I know I'm on the floor.  I didn't pass out, I just kind of fell over and couldn't move.  I sat there for five minutes with tears down my cheeks until it passed and I felt completely fine.  I got up, cleaned up the drool on the floor, and flushed the toilet.  Judgment time.  I stepped on the scale.  I only lost one pound. Oh well.

I came back into the kitchen to have another cigarette.  I went on Facebook and Erica messaged me back finally after my apology message to her last night.  She said she's just upset that I'm "slowly killing" myself and I can't see it and she's lost so many people in the last few years and doesn't want me to be another one.  To make her feel better, I told her I was thinking about getting help.  She said that's good and whatever, blah, blah, blah.  That's pretty much it.  I really hope we start talking again, because I hate to make people upset and she is a very good friend.

Today should be interesting.  I have work at 4:00 and I have to walk because my mom won't be home yet to take me.  It's only a thirty-minute walk,  but I'm going to leave around 2:45 because it's nasty on the roads and I will be walking 2x slower than usual because I feel like shit.  Last night I was fearing that I might pass out at work today, but I feel fine right now, so I think it will be fine.  That would be so embarrassing.

It's only a bit before 11am here, so I'm going to relax a little more and then get showered and ready for work.  Will post later.

I don't even know what I should write anymore.  For starters, I lost another two pounds this morning.  I still haven't eaten since Sunday.  I'm living off of Crystal Light.  But I don't really care.  I woke up around 9 this morning because I was expecting my boyfriend to come up.  I didn't have to meet him anywhere this time, so I had no clue when he would show up.  I hung around feeling like shit in bed most of the day until my doorbell finally rang a little after one in the afternoon.  He came in and he wanted to fool around right away and I told him I didn't feel good.  We ended up doing it twice anyway.  Then my brother came home from school and for some reason automatically went in my older brother's room because I guess he knew that Joe was over.  So he wanted to have sex again and I told him no, I don't want to, I don't feel good.  He kept pushing it on me anyway, even though I told him no a thousand times.  So we ended up doing it one more time, and I wasn't really happy about it.  Then he made me call him a cab so he could go back to the train station because he got a shit ton of money somehow.  But he wouldn't call himself, he begged me to do it.  I did.  When he left I went back to the computer for a little and then back in bed because I felt completely horrible.  I called my friend Erica but she didn't answer three times.  So then I waited about thirty minutes and I called her back and she told me to call her back later because she was talking to her daughter on the phone, so I told her I would call her in about an hour.  I watched the rest of a movie on my iPod and then called her back around eight.  She didn't answer again so I left her a message and told her to call me back when she could.  Thirty more minutes later she does.  I didn't have a lot of energy to talk so my voice was really low and weak on the phone.  We started talking about it and I told her that I'm just fucked up and all this other shit and I lost five pounds in two days.  She asked me if I'm still taking the water pills and I told her I was.  She started to get really upset and I told her I was sorry but she said if I were really sorry then I would stop doing this to myself.  So eventually she got too upset, said she was frustrated and she'll talk to me some other time and hung up on me before I could say another word.  Fucking great.  I so fucking hate this.  I went on Facebook and sent her an apology message, but God knows when she'll go on next and get it.  I'm so fucking tired of everything right now.  I fuck everything up, it's always my fucking fault.  I'm so fucking stupid.  I really fucking hate myself right now.  But I'll get over it.  I'll wake up tomorrow, dick around for half the day, go to work, come home, sleep (yeah, right), repeat, over and over.  That's my life.  And I really don't care anymore, I really fucking give up.  Fuck this.

It feels like five days since I've posted, although it was just yesterday morning when I last did post.  That's probably because I'm barely sleeping these last few days and because so much bullshit happened within the last 24 hours or so.  Kristin came to pick me up around one-something.  She agreed to take me to see my friend Erica at work later on (she was working from 4:30-8:30).  We hung around my house for a bit because Joe was supposed to go to the library and on Facebook and chat with me around 2:30.  Blah, blah, blah, I talked to him and we left.  First Kristin says we have to go pick up an amp for her car.  So we go to Somerville to some guy's house and stay there for a few hours.  Some guy, Andy, came over and asked Kristin if she could drive him to his probation class at 6:30.  We did, and we were going to see Erica right after we dropped him off, but traffic was so crazy so we turned back and she agreed to take me after we picked him back up at 7:30.  We go to pick him up and he comes out around 7:45 so I was kind of upset because I was afraid I wouldn't have time to go see Erica by 8:30 since it's about 30 minutes from where we were.  Then we stop at a Quick Check and get cigarettes and Andy leaves off with some other guy.  We're on our way to go see Erica.  We got there just before 8:30 when she was supposed to get off.  I was really excited to see her because I haven't seen her since the beginning of November right after I got out of treatment.  We stayed there for about 30 minutes and I talked to her and she said I look like shit.  She knows everything, including everything about the water pills and whatnot.  But Kristin doesn't, so I pulled Erica over to the side and talked to her about it.  Then we had to go and we got in the car and Kristin was nagging at me to tell her what I was talking to Erica about.  I told her it's none of her business and she got pissed off and said she'll never take me anywhere again.  Then she kept asking me if I was on something.  I told her I wasn't and she didn't believe me.  She wouldn't leave me alone about it, so I told her I had a lot of caffeine in my system, which was true.  She didn't believe me when I told her I drank five cups of coffee that morning.  Anyway, I ended up telling her about the water pills after she was sworn to secrecy.  She basically flipped out and stopped talking to me and blasted her music.  We got back to the guy's house and sat there.  I didn't know anyone there so I just sat there.  I felt like shit anyway.  Kristin got a call from her friend Sam around 10:30 and we left to go pick her up.  We picked her up and Kristin wanted to go to McDonald's.  I didn't get anything, but Kristin eats like a fucking pig so she got two McChickens and a chipolte snack wrap, or whatever it's called, and a large raspberry iced tea.  We go back to the guy's house again and everyone is getting fucked up on Captain Morgan and whatever they were smoking (it wasn't weed, it actually smelled good... in a weird way).  I felt completely horrible physically (I didn't eat since Sunday night after work - and still going) but I tried to stay there as long as possible.  Finally, around 12:30 I told Kristin I was going to lie down in the car.  She said, "Okay, whatever, come in if you freeze."  I went out there and locked myself in.   I put on my iPod and completely let myself go.  I bawled my eyes out uncontrollably for 30 minutes until I fell asleep.  I felt so shitty.  I realized how incredibly unhappy I am and how I really don't have anyone that I can really, really talk to about everything.  I realized that I'm not going to stop with Ed, and it's just going to get worse.  I realized how extremely alone I felt.  I even thought about dying.  Finally, I fell asleep for two hours.  I woke up around 2:30, half frozen and snowed in the car.  I managed to finally get out of the car and go back inside, where I was continually ignored for another half-hour until Sam passed out drunk and we went to take her home.  We got back to Kristin's house around 4:30 this morning and I slept in her sister's room.

This morning I got up around noon because I had work at four and it's a little more than an hour away from Kristin's house so I needed time to get ready.  I get up and realize I put all of my things in Kristin's room (my clothes, my cigarettes, my shoes, my coat).  I went to her door and tried to open it.  Locked.  I bang on the door and she doesn't answer.  I know she sleeps heavy, and I figured she would wake up eventually, so I went back to lay down for another half-hour, seeing as I still had plenty time to get ready.  I got back up and started banging on her door again.  I felt incredibly weak and faint.  I tried to yell her name so she would wake up and open the door.  Nothing.  I go in the kitchen and find a paper clip to try picking the lock.  It won't budge.  It's now 1:45 and I really need to get going because I'm still in my pajamas and haven't had my morning cigarette.  I bang on the door so hard my knuckles are black and blue and I scream her name at the top of my lungs.  Nothing.  I don't even hear her moving.  I start to panic, but I'm also really mad because a tiny part of me thinks she's ignoring me on purpose.  "Kris, I really need to get my stuff because I have work, please open the door."  Nothing.  I start to cry out of frustration.  I continue pounding on the door and screaming her name while I cry because now I'm worried something's wrong because she was drinking last night.  I freak out and call my mom, telling her what's going on, although she can't understand me because I'm completely hysterical.  She said she didn't know what to tell me.  I search for her mom's phone number all over the house with no luck, between trips back and forth to her door.  I call my mom back and tell her I don't know what to do.  I go back to her door and scream and cry and pound as hard as I can on her door.  I swear, it was like a fucking horror movie.  I have a panic attack and can't breathe, so for some reason this makes me feel the need to bang my head against the wall.  I eventually catch my breath and try her door again.  It's now 2:15.  I call my mom back again and tell her I'm calling the cops because I don't know what else to do.  I find the yellow pages in the kitchen drawer and look up the police.  I try calming myself down so they will be able to understand me.  I dial the number and speak to an officer, telling him I don't know what to do, I don't know if she's okay, she's not answering me, I can't hear her moving around at all.  I give him the address and he says an officer will be right over.  I hang up.  Two seconds later, I hear the bathroom door open by her room.  ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!!?! is what I shout.  I'm crying and yelling at her and I told her I called the cops because I thought she was fucking dead.  She freaked out on me and told me I'm a fucking retard.  I called the police station back and told them I'm really sorry, but she just woke up.  They said they had to send someone out anyway just in case to make sure we're all right.  I told her she scared the fucking shit out of me, I've never been more scared in my life.  She just kept telling me I'm fucking retarded and then she laughed at me.  Because it was so fucking funny.  The cop shows up and I have to give him her name and birthdate and number.  He left.  I'm still shaken.  It's 2:45 now and there's no way I can get ready and shower and still make it to work by 4:00.  I called work and told them I had an emergency and I would be about an hour late.  It took them a while to understand me because I was still upset, but they said it was okay.  I get in the shower and get ready and we're out the door by 3:30.  It takes us forever to get there, but we managed five o'clock.  I feel completely drained.  I go up to the break room to put my stuff away and Jennifer is there sorting price tags at the table.  "Hey, how are ya?" she asks.  "Not so great," I reply without thinking.  "Why, what's going on?"  I put my stuff away and told her why I was late.  As we were talking, she kept looking at my hands on the table because I was shaking.  She told me she had a feeling something was up since the other day when I felt like shit because of not eating.  So basically, she knows about Ed.  She told me that she had a similar problem when she was younger.  She was cool about it though.  She said it's not her place to tell me to eat or not and she wouldn't tell anyone else because it's none of their business.  She said the only time she would tell someone is if I were to pass out at work and they had to call the paramedics (in which case she would only tell the paramedics).  But she said she was glad I talked to her about it because in the case that something like that did happen, she would be able to give the paramedics a heads-up.  We talked for a while and I didn't punch in until 5:20, but I was late today so my time card didn't even work.  I was tired and weak and felt like I was going to pass out because I kept zoning in and out, but luckily I didn't.  I went on break around 7:00 and went upstairs and talked to her instead of going outside because I felt that a cigarette would make me feel worse at that point anyway.  I ended up taking a thirty-minute break (WHOOPS), but it didn't really matter much because it was really slow.  I clocked out at 8:00 and went back up to get my stuff and we chatted a little more before I left.

My boyfriend called me three times while I was at work and my mom called me once because she wasn't sure if they were going to make me stay an hour late since I came in an hour late.  She picked me up with her boyfriend and told me she's making spaghetti.  I told her Kristin took me to McDonald's on the way to work and I was still full.  I came home and called Joe and he's going to come up here tomorrow instead of me going down there.  That makes it easier for me.  I went to weigh myself because I couldn't this morning since Kristin doesn't have a scale at her house (what the hell?!).  I was positive I was going to weigh more, first of all because it was 8:30 at night and secondly because I had been drinking water all day.  But no.  I lost three pounds since yesterday.  Amazing.  Everyone ate (but me) and I'm so tired and fucked up that I'm probably going to to go sleep soon if my body lets me.  These stupid pills really fucked my sleep up.  Oh well.

I gained a pound today.  I ate almost 800 calories last night.  And I gained a freaking pound.  I'm still taking the diuretics.  Last night I was way too hyper from them, probably because I never consume caffeine anymore.  Over the summer I went through a bad caffeine withdrawal and since then I haven't had any caffeine, for the most part.  Caffeine withdrawal is actually a really scary thing to go through.  I felt horrible.  I could barely move around, I was extremely shaky and dizzy, I passed out a few times, my blood pressure was crazy.  I was actually in the hospital when it started and they didn't know what was wrong with me until I  left and emailed my nutritionist when it continued.  Drinking four 20oz. Mountain Dews/day = bad idea.  It's funny though because now I'm actually taking in more caffeine with these pills.  I wasn't going to take some again before bed because I had to get up at 5:30 this morning and I didn't want to crash during the day because I was supposed to go see my boyfriend.  Fail.  My mom got the car ready and everything to take me to the train station, and when we got in the car her windows were frozen shut so she said, "Oh well, you can't go."  Great.  My boyfriend got his phone stolen yesterday and he's probably at the train station as we speak waiting for me and there's no way to tell him I won't be there.  Now he's going to think I stood him up and he will flip out.  Just what I need.  Anyway, I was thinking a lot about this caffeine thing last night.  I'm kind of scared to stop taking the pills because I don't want to go through a withdrawal again and have something bad happen like pass out at work.  So I'm not going to stop them just yet.  Especially since I have to walk to work tomorrow and Thursday because they fucked up my hours and my mom won't be around to drive me.  Oh, and it's so great, because it's supposed to be snowing while I walk there.  Marvelous, right?  So I have this massive headache and my ears keep hurting off and on.  I thought about going back to bed considering I only got three hours of sleep again, but now I can't because I took the pills already.  Plus I called my friend Kristin when I was mad about sitting home alone all day and she might possibly pick me up a little later.  I'm hoping she does and I'm also hoping my friend Erica is working today so I can go see her while I'm with Kristin because Kristin promised she would take me if I gave her gas money, which I now have since I didn't spend it on the train.  Things work out, I guess.  I know this post is a jumbled mess, but that's because I'm really too lazy right now to make it all neat and organized by making it into cute little paragraphs.  But guess what?  I don't care.  I'm so moody lately too.  And I'm not on my period anymore.  But maybe the PMS is still lingering, who knows.  Hmm, what else to complain about?  Yeah, because I'm in the complaining mood.  Oh, I know.  How about I made my boyfriend lunch and now I might end up having to eat it.  No thanks, I don't want a peanut butter sandwich and dry cereal.  I can put the cereal back, but you can't really undo a peanut butter sandwich.  Maybe my little brother will eat it after school.  Or hopefully there are some hungry birds outside.  Well, I'm trying to make my day somewhat productive.  I sort of cleaned a little, and I'm doing some laundry.  I cleaned my purse out (it was a mess) and I took all the water pills out of there box and into a baggie and then ripped the box up into a thousand little pieces and in the trash it went.  I really like being home alone sometimes because that happens very, very rarely, but today I'm just so all over the place and don't know what to do with myself that being alone is driving me nuts.  Everyone is at school or work and there's no one to really talk to.  I don't feel like watching Dora the Explorer on TV.  I don't feel like writing my book that I've been trying to write since November and have left sitting by my bed for weeks now.  No one's on Facebook.  No one I talk to is on WE.  I'm so freezing cold right now.  This is such a pointless blog post.  I feel like I should just talk to a wall.  It's okay, no one can hear me.  Don't I sound crazy?  Hmm.  I feel like such a freaking loser.  I need a life.

Hmm.  Got less than four hours of sleep last night.  Woke up, weighed in (lost those two pounds again - back at 18.1 BMI), showered, got ready for work at 10.  Felt much better than I did last night (and still feel pretty good).  Went to work.  Started feeling nauseous, but it passed.  Work flew by.  My mom came with her boyfriend to pick me up.  They went shopping, great.  I took water pills when I woke up and when I got home from work.  Someone stole my boyfriend's phone.  I'm going to Philly tomorrow to see him.  Spending all my money.  Oh joy.  Didn't eat all day until my stomach couldn't take it anymore and the hunger satisfaction drink wore off.  At some cereal.  With whole milk.  My mom made dinner.  Ate some of that, even though I really didn't like it because it was spicy.  Taking more pills before bed.  I feel so horrible.  I'm just going to gain the weight back.  It didn't even matter that I fasted all day yesterday and through four o'clock this afternoon.  Sigh.  What am I going to do with myself?

I suck.  Gained two pounds.  Went to work today.  Didn't feel like making myself all pretty so I said fuck it and went in looking like crap.  Didn't eat all day.  Went on my break and suddenly felt ten times worse.  I came back inside and sat down by the customer service desk and Jennifer told me I look like shit.  "Did you eat today?" Pause. "Yeah." Sure. I always eat.  "What did you eat today?" Hmm. Let's pretend you didn't hear her ask that and maybe she'll forget. "Amy, what did you eat today?" Shit. "Oh... a yogurt... and some toast." She doesn't believe me, I can tell by the look on her face.  I go sit on a little stool and she finishes bagging an order and walks over to me.  "You sure you're okay?"  Ha. "Yeah, I'm fine, really.  I have a question, don't think I'm weird." Yeah, right.  "Do we sell water pills? I saw laxatives but no water pills."  More weird looks. "Yeah, they're over here, let me show you... wait, they're not for you are they??"  Umm.... "No, no, they're for a friend.  She's on her period, she's really bloated."  If I had a penny for all the weird looks...  I go back to work and try not to fall on the floor.  I happened to glance over to customer service while I was bagging and saw Jennifer talking to Dave, the assistant manager, and looking at me.  I walked by there a while later to grab something, and she told me that Dave said I could go home early if I really felt bad.  I told her I'm fine and I would stay, and I did.  After much agony, four o'clock finally rolled around and I punched out (even though my time card still doesn't work).  I went and got my stuff from the break room and picked up some things: crystal light hunger satisfaction, crystal light raspberry lemonade, Powerade Zero and my new friend, Diurex.  I brought it to customer service to be checked out and made sure Jennifer checked me out since she already thinks I'm weird (I don't need more weird looks from other people). I got my shit paycheck and paid for my things.  "Feel better," she tells me.  I go outside, expecting my mom to be there because it's now quarter after four, but no.  I have to go inside and buy minutes for my phone so I can call her to pick me up.  Now I have a little more than twenty bucks left, just enough to go down to Philly on Monday to see Joe.  When I go back inside to buy the minutes, Jennifer asks me if I had a ride.  I shrugged my shoulders and went back outside to call my mom.  She says she didn't know I got off at four, so she's on her way.  I go back inside and wait on the stool by customer service because it's too cold outside and I'm already a walking ice cube.  Jennifer is getting off her shift and she sees me sitting there and asks if I need a ride.  I said no.  Not even "no, thanks."  I felt kind of bad because I probably came off as rude.  So she left.  My mom called me back and told me that her boyfriend was picking me up.  Oh, yay.  He tries to talk to me on the way home, and I ignore him.  Mostly because I'm feeling like shit, but also because he's not my father.  I get home and plop all my crap down on my bed and hide the water pills.  I lay down for five minutes, and then go in my older brother's room (he's gone for the weekend, thank God) and bring the house phone with me to make some calls.  I called about five people (after I called my boyfriend and listened to him talk about getting high) and no one could talk, or they didn't answer.  I sat there for a while and then took two of the water pills with my Powerade Zero.  I went back on my bed in the living room and just sat there.  I couldn't move.  I couldn't even feel half of my body.  I wanted to take a nap, but I could barely keep my eyes closed.  I had a headache, I was freezing cold and shaking.  My mom came in and asked if I was okay and I said I'll be fine.  The famous question came after. "Did you eat today?"  Ugh. "Yes, mom."  Please go away. "Oh, okay."  She started walking away. "Wait, what did you eat?" Jesus, woman, leave me alone. "It's Saturday so they had food samples around the store.  I had some lunch meat and cantaloupe on my break."   She finally leaves me alone because she needs to pay attention to her boyfriend.  I lied there for three hours trying to fall asleep.  Nothing.  I finally get up to go to the bathroom, and get a chuckle when I see blue pee in the toilet.  Side effect from the water pills.  I go in the kitchen and have a cigarette for the first time in four hours (that's a freaking record).  My mom asks me if I'm okay and I said I dunno.  Good enough for her; she goes back to her stupid story about some high school crap to her boyfriend.  I go back and lay down.  I wasn't sure what was wrong with me, and I'm still not.  People are saying it could be the flu, which is just great.  I wouldn't know, because lucky me, I've never had the flu.  But that's the last thing I need right now.  That means a pissed off boyfriend when I tell him I can't come see him on Monday.  Oh well, he'll live.

I hope I feel better by tomorrow because I have work in the morning.  My mom thinks I sleep too much and that's why I feel like this.  Yeah, right.  I get tons of sleep. Ha.

Today I maintained my weight from yesterday, and I wanted to try harder so I don't fall back into a rapid weight-loss pattern.  So my mom had to take my little brother to school for his midterms and we stopped at a Wawa (it's a small food/convenient store) on the way back.  I got a blueberry muffin and a bottle of their cookies & cream milk.  Together those two things have more calories in them than I've consumed every day this week put together.  Frightening.  I couldn't stomach it all at first.  I thought it would be much easier than that.  Eventually, within a few hours, I finished both.  Then, to make it worse, my little brother ordered a pizza and I decided to challenge myself more.  TOO MUCH.  I was in so much pain from eating three slices.  I've eaten a little over 2000 calories today, more than I've had in about three weeks worth of food.  I will probably gain again tomorrow.

Tomorrow I go to work and get my paycheck (yes!) and my schedule for next week.  I'm planning on buying diuretics, depending on how expensive they are.  I'm not going to go crazy, I'll just take a couple when I'm bloated or drink too much.  Kind of would have helped me today.  For some reason I stepped on the scale about an hour ago and +3 pounds.  I know it's not real weight, but at least one pound is.  Maybe even two.  Who knows.

A lot of other things happened today, but I'm really tired and I have to get up for work tomorrow so if I feel like it I'll post tomorrow night.