The Emptiness

I don't even know what I should write anymore.  For starters, I lost another two pounds this morning.  I still haven't eaten since Sunday.  I'm living off of Crystal Light.  But I don't really care.  I woke up around 9 this morning because I was expecting my boyfriend to come up.  I didn't have to meet him anywhere this time, so I had no clue when he would show up.  I hung around feeling like shit in bed most of the day until my doorbell finally rang a little after one in the afternoon.  He came in and he wanted to fool around right away and I told him I didn't feel good.  We ended up doing it twice anyway.  Then my brother came home from school and for some reason automatically went in my older brother's room because I guess he knew that Joe was over.  So he wanted to have sex again and I told him no, I don't want to, I don't feel good.  He kept pushing it on me anyway, even though I told him no a thousand times.  So we ended up doing it one more time, and I wasn't really happy about it.  Then he made me call him a cab so he could go back to the train station because he got a shit ton of money somehow.  But he wouldn't call himself, he begged me to do it.  I did.  When he left I went back to the computer for a little and then back in bed because I felt completely horrible.  I called my friend Erica but she didn't answer three times.  So then I waited about thirty minutes and I called her back and she told me to call her back later because she was talking to her daughter on the phone, so I told her I would call her in about an hour.  I watched the rest of a movie on my iPod and then called her back around eight.  She didn't answer again so I left her a message and told her to call me back when she could.  Thirty more minutes later she does.  I didn't have a lot of energy to talk so my voice was really low and weak on the phone.  We started talking about it and I told her that I'm just fucked up and all this other shit and I lost five pounds in two days.  She asked me if I'm still taking the water pills and I told her I was.  She started to get really upset and I told her I was sorry but she said if I were really sorry then I would stop doing this to myself.  So eventually she got too upset, said she was frustrated and she'll talk to me some other time and hung up on me before I could say another word.  Fucking great.  I so fucking hate this.  I went on Facebook and sent her an apology message, but God knows when she'll go on next and get it.  I'm so fucking tired of everything right now.  I fuck everything up, it's always my fucking fault.  I'm so fucking stupid.  I really fucking hate myself right now.  But I'll get over it.  I'll wake up tomorrow, dick around for half the day, go to work, come home, sleep (yeah, right), repeat, over and over.  That's my life.  And I really don't care anymore, I really fucking give up.  Fuck this.