So I never found that damn scale. I ended up waiting until 3pm when my little brother got home from school to ask him, but of course he knew nothing. I decided I needed to get over it and get something in my stomach and get ready for work. On a random side note, I decided to cut three inches of my hair off. It actually doesn't look bad.
Before going to work I consumed just under 400 calories. I walked into work very anxious about the meeting with Dave and Jenn. I started bagging and my usual. Jenn came in around 6:30 and seemed to be in a not-so-good mood. Around 7 I went on break. I was kind of hyper at work, and it only took me three minutes flat to smoke my cigarette (the whole thing, too!). I came in only five minutes into my break and went over to customer service where Jenn was. I asked her if we were still meeting with Dave, and she told me that she had to wait for another front-end supervisor to come back from break and we would go find him. I walked around and then started bagging again three minutes before my break was over. It was quite slow tonight. I made some more announcements over the loud speaker. My one co-worker, Alicia (pronounced Ah-lee-see-uh), was standing there because she was running the self-checkout and that's where the announcements are made. I did fine on the first few announcements. I started doing one announcement and got as far as "Attention, shoppers" until Alicia started saying something that made me laugh so I had to hang up the phone and redo it. It was kind of embarrassing. I went over to clean some registers and Jenn came up to me and told me that Dave already left at 7. I was kind of disappointed because I was already prepared and I really wanted to get it over with. She kept telling me there was nothing to worry about. She said I looked better today, and that I had color to my face. At first this made me feel strange and uncomfortable because to me it meant I looked normal and normal meant healthy, which meant I'd been eating too much. I thanked her and told her that after she told me about meeting with Dave on Tuesday, I decided I needed to start eating a little at least for work. She just looked at me for a second and then said, "I'm so proud of you... give me a hug" so she hugged me. I felt good. She said she knows it's hard for me but if I keep doing what I'm doing then Dave will be pleased and I'll most likely not have to worry about being let go. I went to do some more announcements. This time, not only was Alicia standing there, but so was another one of my co-workers, Angela. They were talking about clubbing and I asked them to walk away for a minute so I don't get distracted like last time. I picked up the phone and started making the announcement but they started talking and laughing and joking about me messing up so I stopped in the middle of the sentence, tried to collect myself and start again, started laughing and had to hang up again. This pissed off one of the front-enders, Shannon, who called me over and told me I need to stop doing that and that it's not funny and it's probably annoying to the customers (who I don't think really listen to the announcements or give a shit regardless). So I instantly felt horrible. She told me I need to do the announcements at customer service from now on so I'm not distracted. I started taking out the trash. A little later I went back to customer service to do an announcement. Jenn was in there and Shannon and another girl Jenn were talking to each other. Jenn told me that they're not really mad at me because I do the best job on the announcements, but they're mad at the other girls for making me laugh and mess it up, so I shouldn't feel bad. I start making an announcement and Jenn kicked the other Jenn and Shannon to be quiet so I didn't get distracted. The rest of the night was extremely slow. I pushed carts with one of the boys, Tim, twice. It was so much better and quicker with two people. I hate doing it by myself. My shift was over and I clocked out and got my things. I went back downstairs to ask Jenn what time she would be picking me up on Saturday morning for training. Then we started talking about the meeting. She keeps telling me not to worry. I told her I'm scared it will be hard to eat enough to keep up my energy every time I have work. I followed her around the store while she got various items in preparation for class on Saturday. Finally I left.
I got in the car with my mom and she told me I should eat something when I get home. The last couple of days she's been asking me what I eat and how much, etc. She's obviously suspicious to some degree. She told me I should make myself a sandwich when I get home. I told her I have a Fiber One bar that I would eat, and she told me that's not enough after I burned off what I ate this morning at work. I didn't think there was a problem with it, especially since it was after 9pm and I probably shouldn't be eating that late anyway. But I didn't say that to her. I already had the bar in my bag so I took it out and ate it on the way home. When we got home I ended up eating a lot. I had a bowl of Progresso Light vegetable soup (a whole can - 128 calories) and then decided I would have cereal. Instead of having my safe fat-free Special K I ate two servings of Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch with my skim milk. Then about an hour later I had an orange. I recorded everything and seemed to be done for the night. I was full. I didn't want to eat any more. But then, just a while ago, I found myself looking through the cabinets and fridge, and ended up taking out some lunch meat and cheese... and it wasn't my fat-free cheese either. I sat there and zoned out, stuffing my face with tons of cheese and ham. I finally stopped and felt disgusted. I don't even know how much of it I ate. I want to weigh myself so bad, but there's no way. I really need to go to my best friend's house (whom I lived with before being hospitalized again and moved back with my mom) and get my scale. My scale is more accurate. It has decimals! The scale here doesn't. It just has whole numbers, and I hate that.
I have off from work tomorrow so I will be sitting around most of the day doing nothing. Joe is still mad at me but I did eventually end up calling him back so he could tell me how fucked up I am to do "such a thing" to him. Whatever. I feel really bloated right now and I'm really hating it. I haven't taken my water pills since 1pm. I was scheduled to take them on my break at 7, but never went upstairs to get my jacket because it was so nice out and I already had my cigarettes in my pocket. I suppose I will take them now and then go watch some TV until I get tired.
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