The Emptiness

So I got a bit manic last night (I'm bipolar).  Very manic actually.  I honestly thought I wouldn't sleep, but I finally went to bed around 7 this morning.  I was watching TV shows online and I went into the bathroom and noticed the scale went incognito.  My first thought was that my mom did it.  I went in my older brother's room (because only he would be awake at 3 in the morning) and we talked.  I mentioned that the scale mysteriously went missing and he went and looked to make sure I wasn't crazy.  We somehow started talking about eating disorders and what they do to you and I found myself going in major detail about calories and what they're made up of and weight loss and the like.  I don't remember how, but we started talking about the manic episode I had while I was in the hospital which I guess I never told him about.  He was very interested in it.  Then I found myself actually becoming manic.  When I had that manic episode last year it was like everything in the world made perfect sense and everything was so peaceful and it was like I had this massive energy that changed everything.  Suddenly I started to feel like that again (not quite to the extent it was before).  When I had that episode it was almost like I had super senses, and that's what I felt like sort of last night.  So he was making me watch this video and then I instantly got extremely tired after being so wired.  I heard my mom wake up and then my little brother so I went to bed.

I set my alarm for 11, but I didn't get to sleep that long.  Joe called me all pissed off about me not calling him back last night and I said it's not a big deal and he started raising his voice at me saying the same thing that he always says: I always make time to talk to my friends but I never talk to him.  Fucking bullshit.  So he hung up on me and of course calls me back two seconds later and he started getting mad and raising his voice again and I told him I'm not in the mood and I just woke up and he yells at me to stop screaming at him so I hung up on him and ignored the 27 calls after that.  I finally listened to the five voicemails he left me.  He kept saying, "You better fucking call me back right fucking now because I'm not playing your fucking games, Amy."  You really think I'm gonna call you back if you're talking to me like that?  Fuck no.  I've only been awake for a little more than an hour and I'm already fucking pissed.

I go back in the bathroom and realize the scale is still missing.  I cannot start my day without weighing myself. This means, until I find this scale, I can't eat, I can't shower, I can't drink.  I tore apart my mom's room and found nothing.  I looked in all the closets in the bathroom and the hallway.  I even looked in the freaking oven.  Nowhere to be found.  After freaking out, I called my mom at work.  I'm thinking she put it in her car.  Tricky bitch.  "Hey, mom... did you happen to notice that the bathroom scale is missing all of the sudden?"  She said she saw that this morning, but that it didn't bother her because "no one uses it" and she thought that I might have taken it (what the hell am I going to do with it?  Put it under my pillow?).  I told her that my older brother said he had no clue.  I highly doubt my little brother had anything to do with it.  So I told her I would look in my older brother's room.  He is notorious for lying, after all.  I went in there and looked around as much as I could without waking him up.  Finally I got mad and woke him up and asked where it was and I said I didn't care if he knew and I would give him a cigarette if he told me.  He still claims to not know.  I'm really fucking pissed off now.  It didn't just grow legs and walk the fuck out of there in the middle of the night.  So I'm pretty sure one of them is lying, but I don't know which one.  Now I have to wait until 3 in the afternoon for my little brother to get home from school to ask him.  But there's no way I can wait all day for that and have time to get ready for work at 5.  That's if he even knows anything.  Where the fuck could it possibly be?  I don't fucking get it.  This is driving me up a fucking wall.  It didn't just poof into thin air.  I need to weigh myself or I cannot do anything.  I'm really fucking pissed right now.  I guess I'll be spending the next however many hours tearing up the house for the third time and going crazy looking for it.  This is fucking madness.