The Emptiness

I lost a pound today.  I woke up, took a shower, ate my meal for the day and went back to bed because I was so tired.  I didn't want to get out of bed again and I kept pushing snooze on my alarm.  I finally got up at 2:40 to finish getting ready for work at 4.  I had to walk again.

I felt like shit on the way there.  Even though I just at 377 calories.  I almost got hit by a car, but that always happens.  I went up to the break room and something horrible came over me and I just broke down crying.  Luckily I got there ten minutes early so I had time to get it out of my system before I had to go downstairs.  When I went downstairs the new dickhead store manager confronted me and spewed a bunch of senseless bullshit that I already know about the absolute need to greet every single customer and ask them if they need help, blah, blah, blah.  He made me mad.  I felt like he was talking down to me.  Like I don't know how to do my freaking job.  I wanted to cry again.  I felt like a baby.  I eventually got over it.  Not much happened at work.  I bagged, did a few returns, collected baskets, cleaned the registers.  I was only there for four hours but it felt like eight.  The whole time I kept thinking about food.  I kept thinking about stuffing my face.  I was so hungry.  Before I left I went to produce and picked out ten grapes from a bag and put them in a separate bag.  I paid 32 cents for them and left.  In the car I shoved them down my throat.

I keep thinking about just eating a small meal a day.  Just one.  Not a giant calorie dense one, but something small.  I've successfully completed day four of ABC.  Tomorrow I can only have 100 calories.  It's so weird having a different amount every day.  I don't know what I can eat for 100 calories.  A piece of bread?  I was thinking about killing the rest of the salad with a little bit of dressing.  Three tablespoons of the dressing is 75 calories and the rest of the bag is probably 20.  There you go.  I'm so fucking hungry.  I just want to eat a grocery store.  Buy one of everything.  But then after I get full I'll be stuck with a bunch of shit food.  I hate, hate, hate seeing people at work buy things I used to love eating.  Chips, meat, cookies, JUNK.  I fucking hate it.  I'm so jealous.  I don't even have any gum left.  Ugh, I'm going to lose it!!!