The Emptiness

It feels like five days since I've posted, although it was just yesterday morning when I last did post.  That's probably because I'm barely sleeping these last few days and because so much bullshit happened within the last 24 hours or so.  Kristin came to pick me up around one-something.  She agreed to take me to see my friend Erica at work later on (she was working from 4:30-8:30).  We hung around my house for a bit because Joe was supposed to go to the library and on Facebook and chat with me around 2:30.  Blah, blah, blah, I talked to him and we left.  First Kristin says we have to go pick up an amp for her car.  So we go to Somerville to some guy's house and stay there for a few hours.  Some guy, Andy, came over and asked Kristin if she could drive him to his probation class at 6:30.  We did, and we were going to see Erica right after we dropped him off, but traffic was so crazy so we turned back and she agreed to take me after we picked him back up at 7:30.  We go to pick him up and he comes out around 7:45 so I was kind of upset because I was afraid I wouldn't have time to go see Erica by 8:30 since it's about 30 minutes from where we were.  Then we stop at a Quick Check and get cigarettes and Andy leaves off with some other guy.  We're on our way to go see Erica.  We got there just before 8:30 when she was supposed to get off.  I was really excited to see her because I haven't seen her since the beginning of November right after I got out of treatment.  We stayed there for about 30 minutes and I talked to her and she said I look like shit.  She knows everything, including everything about the water pills and whatnot.  But Kristin doesn't, so I pulled Erica over to the side and talked to her about it.  Then we had to go and we got in the car and Kristin was nagging at me to tell her what I was talking to Erica about.  I told her it's none of her business and she got pissed off and said she'll never take me anywhere again.  Then she kept asking me if I was on something.  I told her I wasn't and she didn't believe me.  She wouldn't leave me alone about it, so I told her I had a lot of caffeine in my system, which was true.  She didn't believe me when I told her I drank five cups of coffee that morning.  Anyway, I ended up telling her about the water pills after she was sworn to secrecy.  She basically flipped out and stopped talking to me and blasted her music.  We got back to the guy's house and sat there.  I didn't know anyone there so I just sat there.  I felt like shit anyway.  Kristin got a call from her friend Sam around 10:30 and we left to go pick her up.  We picked her up and Kristin wanted to go to McDonald's.  I didn't get anything, but Kristin eats like a fucking pig so she got two McChickens and a chipolte snack wrap, or whatever it's called, and a large raspberry iced tea.  We go back to the guy's house again and everyone is getting fucked up on Captain Morgan and whatever they were smoking (it wasn't weed, it actually smelled good... in a weird way).  I felt completely horrible physically (I didn't eat since Sunday night after work - and still going) but I tried to stay there as long as possible.  Finally, around 12:30 I told Kristin I was going to lie down in the car.  She said, "Okay, whatever, come in if you freeze."  I went out there and locked myself in.   I put on my iPod and completely let myself go.  I bawled my eyes out uncontrollably for 30 minutes until I fell asleep.  I felt so shitty.  I realized how incredibly unhappy I am and how I really don't have anyone that I can really, really talk to about everything.  I realized that I'm not going to stop with Ed, and it's just going to get worse.  I realized how extremely alone I felt.  I even thought about dying.  Finally, I fell asleep for two hours.  I woke up around 2:30, half frozen and snowed in the car.  I managed to finally get out of the car and go back inside, where I was continually ignored for another half-hour until Sam passed out drunk and we went to take her home.  We got back to Kristin's house around 4:30 this morning and I slept in her sister's room.

This morning I got up around noon because I had work at four and it's a little more than an hour away from Kristin's house so I needed time to get ready.  I get up and realize I put all of my things in Kristin's room (my clothes, my cigarettes, my shoes, my coat).  I went to her door and tried to open it.  Locked.  I bang on the door and she doesn't answer.  I know she sleeps heavy, and I figured she would wake up eventually, so I went back to lay down for another half-hour, seeing as I still had plenty time to get ready.  I got back up and started banging on her door again.  I felt incredibly weak and faint.  I tried to yell her name so she would wake up and open the door.  Nothing.  I go in the kitchen and find a paper clip to try picking the lock.  It won't budge.  It's now 1:45 and I really need to get going because I'm still in my pajamas and haven't had my morning cigarette.  I bang on the door so hard my knuckles are black and blue and I scream her name at the top of my lungs.  Nothing.  I don't even hear her moving.  I start to panic, but I'm also really mad because a tiny part of me thinks she's ignoring me on purpose.  "Kris, I really need to get my stuff because I have work, please open the door."  Nothing.  I start to cry out of frustration.  I continue pounding on the door and screaming her name while I cry because now I'm worried something's wrong because she was drinking last night.  I freak out and call my mom, telling her what's going on, although she can't understand me because I'm completely hysterical.  She said she didn't know what to tell me.  I search for her mom's phone number all over the house with no luck, between trips back and forth to her door.  I call my mom back and tell her I don't know what to do.  I go back to her door and scream and cry and pound as hard as I can on her door.  I swear, it was like a fucking horror movie.  I have a panic attack and can't breathe, so for some reason this makes me feel the need to bang my head against the wall.  I eventually catch my breath and try her door again.  It's now 2:15.  I call my mom back again and tell her I'm calling the cops because I don't know what else to do.  I find the yellow pages in the kitchen drawer and look up the police.  I try calming myself down so they will be able to understand me.  I dial the number and speak to an officer, telling him I don't know what to do, I don't know if she's okay, she's not answering me, I can't hear her moving around at all.  I give him the address and he says an officer will be right over.  I hang up.  Two seconds later, I hear the bathroom door open by her room.  ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!!?! is what I shout.  I'm crying and yelling at her and I told her I called the cops because I thought she was fucking dead.  She freaked out on me and told me I'm a fucking retard.  I called the police station back and told them I'm really sorry, but she just woke up.  They said they had to send someone out anyway just in case to make sure we're all right.  I told her she scared the fucking shit out of me, I've never been more scared in my life.  She just kept telling me I'm fucking retarded and then she laughed at me.  Because it was so fucking funny.  The cop shows up and I have to give him her name and birthdate and number.  He left.  I'm still shaken.  It's 2:45 now and there's no way I can get ready and shower and still make it to work by 4:00.  I called work and told them I had an emergency and I would be about an hour late.  It took them a while to understand me because I was still upset, but they said it was okay.  I get in the shower and get ready and we're out the door by 3:30.  It takes us forever to get there, but we managed five o'clock.  I feel completely drained.  I go up to the break room to put my stuff away and Jennifer is there sorting price tags at the table.  "Hey, how are ya?" she asks.  "Not so great," I reply without thinking.  "Why, what's going on?"  I put my stuff away and told her why I was late.  As we were talking, she kept looking at my hands on the table because I was shaking.  She told me she had a feeling something was up since the other day when I felt like shit because of not eating.  So basically, she knows about Ed.  She told me that she had a similar problem when she was younger.  She was cool about it though.  She said it's not her place to tell me to eat or not and she wouldn't tell anyone else because it's none of their business.  She said the only time she would tell someone is if I were to pass out at work and they had to call the paramedics (in which case she would only tell the paramedics).  But she said she was glad I talked to her about it because in the case that something like that did happen, she would be able to give the paramedics a heads-up.  We talked for a while and I didn't punch in until 5:20, but I was late today so my time card didn't even work.  I was tired and weak and felt like I was going to pass out because I kept zoning in and out, but luckily I didn't.  I went on break around 7:00 and went upstairs and talked to her instead of going outside because I felt that a cigarette would make me feel worse at that point anyway.  I ended up taking a thirty-minute break (WHOOPS), but it didn't really matter much because it was really slow.  I clocked out at 8:00 and went back up to get my stuff and we chatted a little more before I left.

My boyfriend called me three times while I was at work and my mom called me once because she wasn't sure if they were going to make me stay an hour late since I came in an hour late.  She picked me up with her boyfriend and told me she's making spaghetti.  I told her Kristin took me to McDonald's on the way to work and I was still full.  I came home and called Joe and he's going to come up here tomorrow instead of me going down there.  That makes it easier for me.  I went to weigh myself because I couldn't this morning since Kristin doesn't have a scale at her house (what the hell?!).  I was positive I was going to weigh more, first of all because it was 8:30 at night and secondly because I had been drinking water all day.  But no.  I lost three pounds since yesterday.  Amazing.  Everyone ate (but me) and I'm so tired and fucked up that I'm probably going to to go sleep soon if my body lets me.  These stupid pills really fucked my sleep up.  Oh well.