The Emptiness

I gained a pound today.  I ate almost 800 calories last night.  And I gained a freaking pound.  I'm still taking the diuretics.  Last night I was way too hyper from them, probably because I never consume caffeine anymore.  Over the summer I went through a bad caffeine withdrawal and since then I haven't had any caffeine, for the most part.  Caffeine withdrawal is actually a really scary thing to go through.  I felt horrible.  I could barely move around, I was extremely shaky and dizzy, I passed out a few times, my blood pressure was crazy.  I was actually in the hospital when it started and they didn't know what was wrong with me until I  left and emailed my nutritionist when it continued.  Drinking four 20oz. Mountain Dews/day = bad idea.  It's funny though because now I'm actually taking in more caffeine with these pills.  I wasn't going to take some again before bed because I had to get up at 5:30 this morning and I didn't want to crash during the day because I was supposed to go see my boyfriend.  Fail.  My mom got the car ready and everything to take me to the train station, and when we got in the car her windows were frozen shut so she said, "Oh well, you can't go."  Great.  My boyfriend got his phone stolen yesterday and he's probably at the train station as we speak waiting for me and there's no way to tell him I won't be there.  Now he's going to think I stood him up and he will flip out.  Just what I need.  Anyway, I was thinking a lot about this caffeine thing last night.  I'm kind of scared to stop taking the pills because I don't want to go through a withdrawal again and have something bad happen like pass out at work.  So I'm not going to stop them just yet.  Especially since I have to walk to work tomorrow and Thursday because they fucked up my hours and my mom won't be around to drive me.  Oh, and it's so great, because it's supposed to be snowing while I walk there.  Marvelous, right?  So I have this massive headache and my ears keep hurting off and on.  I thought about going back to bed considering I only got three hours of sleep again, but now I can't because I took the pills already.  Plus I called my friend Kristin when I was mad about sitting home alone all day and she might possibly pick me up a little later.  I'm hoping she does and I'm also hoping my friend Erica is working today so I can go see her while I'm with Kristin because Kristin promised she would take me if I gave her gas money, which I now have since I didn't spend it on the train.  Things work out, I guess.  I know this post is a jumbled mess, but that's because I'm really too lazy right now to make it all neat and organized by making it into cute little paragraphs.  But guess what?  I don't care.  I'm so moody lately too.  And I'm not on my period anymore.  But maybe the PMS is still lingering, who knows.  Hmm, what else to complain about?  Yeah, because I'm in the complaining mood.  Oh, I know.  How about I made my boyfriend lunch and now I might end up having to eat it.  No thanks, I don't want a peanut butter sandwich and dry cereal.  I can put the cereal back, but you can't really undo a peanut butter sandwich.  Maybe my little brother will eat it after school.  Or hopefully there are some hungry birds outside.  Well, I'm trying to make my day somewhat productive.  I sort of cleaned a little, and I'm doing some laundry.  I cleaned my purse out (it was a mess) and I took all the water pills out of there box and into a baggie and then ripped the box up into a thousand little pieces and in the trash it went.  I really like being home alone sometimes because that happens very, very rarely, but today I'm just so all over the place and don't know what to do with myself that being alone is driving me nuts.  Everyone is at school or work and there's no one to really talk to.  I don't feel like watching Dora the Explorer on TV.  I don't feel like writing my book that I've been trying to write since November and have left sitting by my bed for weeks now.  No one's on Facebook.  No one I talk to is on WE.  I'm so freezing cold right now.  This is such a pointless blog post.  I feel like I should just talk to a wall.  It's okay, no one can hear me.  Don't I sound crazy?  Hmm.  I feel like such a freaking loser.  I need a life.