I gained a pound today. I ate almost 800 calories last night. And I gained a freaking pound. I'm still taking the diuretics. Last night I was way too hyper from them, probably because I never consume caffeine anymore. Over the summer I went through a bad caffeine withdrawal and since then I haven't had any caffeine, for the most part. Caffeine withdrawal is actually a really scary thing to go through. I felt horrible. I could barely move around, I was extremely shaky and dizzy, I passed out a few times, my blood pressure was crazy. I was actually in the hospital when it started and they didn't know what was wrong with me until I left and emailed my nutritionist when it continued. Drinking four 20oz. Mountain Dews/day = bad idea. It's funny though because now I'm actually taking in more caffeine with these pills. I wasn't going to take some again before bed because I had to get up at 5:30 this morning and I didn't want to crash during the day because I was supposed to go see my boyfriend. Fail. My mom got the car ready and everything to take me to the train station, and when we got in the car her windows were frozen shut so she said, "Oh well, you can't go." Great. My boyfriend got his phone stolen yesterday and he's probably at the train station as we speak waiting for me and there's no way to tell him I won't be there. Now he's going to think I stood him up and he will flip out. Just what I need. Anyway, I was thinking a lot about this caffeine thing last night. I'm kind of scared to stop taking the pills because I don't want to go through a withdrawal again and have something bad happen like pass out at work. So I'm not going to stop them just yet. Especially since I have to walk to work tomorrow and Thursday because they fucked up my hours and my mom won't be around to drive me. Oh, and it's so great, because it's supposed to be snowing while I walk there. Marvelous, right? So I have this massive headache and my ears keep hurting off and on. I thought about going back to bed considering I only got three hours of sleep again, but now I can't because I took the pills already. Plus I called my friend Kristin when I was mad about sitting home alone all day and she might possibly pick me up a little later. I'm hoping she does and I'm also hoping my friend Erica is working today so I can go see her while I'm with Kristin because Kristin promised she would take me if I gave her gas money, which I now have since I didn't spend it on the train. Things work out, I guess. I know this post is a jumbled mess, but that's because I'm really too lazy right now to make it all neat and organized by making it into cute little paragraphs. But guess what? I don't care. I'm so moody lately too. And I'm not on my period anymore. But maybe the PMS is still lingering, who knows. Hmm, what else to complain about? Yeah, because I'm in the complaining mood. Oh, I know. How about I made my boyfriend lunch and now I might end up having to eat it. No thanks, I don't want a peanut butter sandwich and dry cereal. I can put the cereal back, but you can't really undo a peanut butter sandwich. Maybe my little brother will eat it after school. Or hopefully there are some hungry birds outside. Well, I'm trying to make my day somewhat productive. I sort of cleaned a little, and I'm doing some laundry. I cleaned my purse out (it was a mess) and I took all the water pills out of there box and into a baggie and then ripped the box up into a thousand little pieces and in the trash it went. I really like being home alone sometimes because that happens very, very rarely, but today I'm just so all over the place and don't know what to do with myself that being alone is driving me nuts. Everyone is at school or work and there's no one to really talk to. I don't feel like watching Dora the Explorer on TV. I don't feel like writing my book that I've been trying to write since November and have left sitting by my bed for weeks now. No one's on Facebook. No one I talk to is on WE. I'm so freezing cold right now. This is such a pointless blog post. I feel like I should just talk to a wall. It's okay, no one can hear me. Don't I sound crazy? Hmm. I feel like such a freaking loser. I need a life.
Hmm. Got less than four hours of sleep last night. Woke up, weighed in (lost those two pounds again - back at 18.1 BMI), showered, got ready for work at 10. Felt much better than I did last night (and still feel pretty good). Went to work. Started feeling nauseous, but it passed. Work flew by. My mom came with her boyfriend to pick me up. They went shopping, great. I took water pills when I woke up and when I got home from work. Someone stole my boyfriend's phone. I'm going to Philly tomorrow to see him. Spending all my money. Oh joy. Didn't eat all day until my stomach couldn't take it anymore and the hunger satisfaction drink wore off. At some cereal. With whole milk. My mom made dinner. Ate some of that, even though I really didn't like it because it was spicy. Taking more pills before bed. I feel so horrible. I'm just going to gain the weight back. It didn't even matter that I fasted all day yesterday and through four o'clock this afternoon. Sigh. What am I going to do with myself?
I suck. Gained two pounds. Went to work today. Didn't feel like making myself all pretty so I said fuck it and went in looking like crap. Didn't eat all day. Went on my break and suddenly felt ten times worse. I came back inside and sat down by the customer service desk and Jennifer told me I look like shit. "Did you eat today?" Pause. "Yeah." Sure. I always eat. "What did you eat today?" Hmm. Let's pretend you didn't hear her ask that and maybe she'll forget. "Amy, what did you eat today?" Shit. "Oh... a yogurt... and some toast." She doesn't believe me, I can tell by the look on her face. I go sit on a little stool and she finishes bagging an order and walks over to me. "You sure you're okay?" Ha. "Yeah, I'm fine, really. I have a question, don't think I'm weird." Yeah, right. "Do we sell water pills? I saw laxatives but no water pills." More weird looks. "Yeah, they're over here, let me show you... wait, they're not for you are they??" Umm.... "No, no, they're for a friend. She's on her period, she's really bloated." If I had a penny for all the weird looks... I go back to work and try not to fall on the floor. I happened to glance over to customer service while I was bagging and saw Jennifer talking to Dave, the assistant manager, and looking at me. I walked by there a while later to grab something, and she told me that Dave said I could go home early if I really felt bad. I told her I'm fine and I would stay, and I did. After much agony, four o'clock finally rolled around and I punched out (even though my time card still doesn't work). I went and got my stuff from the break room and picked up some things: crystal light hunger satisfaction, crystal light raspberry lemonade, Powerade Zero and my new friend, Diurex. I brought it to customer service to be checked out and made sure Jennifer checked me out since she already thinks I'm weird (I don't need more weird looks from other people). I got my shit paycheck and paid for my things. "Feel better," she tells me. I go outside, expecting my mom to be there because it's now quarter after four, but no. I have to go inside and buy minutes for my phone so I can call her to pick me up. Now I have a little more than twenty bucks left, just enough to go down to Philly on Monday to see Joe. When I go back inside to buy the minutes, Jennifer asks me if I had a ride. I shrugged my shoulders and went back outside to call my mom. She says she didn't know I got off at four, so she's on her way. I go back inside and wait on the stool by customer service because it's too cold outside and I'm already a walking ice cube. Jennifer is getting off her shift and she sees me sitting there and asks if I need a ride. I said no. Not even "no, thanks." I felt kind of bad because I probably came off as rude. So she left. My mom called me back and told me that her boyfriend was picking me up. Oh, yay. He tries to talk to me on the way home, and I ignore him. Mostly because I'm feeling like shit, but also because he's not my father. I get home and plop all my crap down on my bed and hide the water pills. I lay down for five minutes, and then go in my older brother's room (he's gone for the weekend, thank God) and bring the house phone with me to make some calls. I called about five people (after I called my boyfriend and listened to him talk about getting high) and no one could talk, or they didn't answer. I sat there for a while and then took two of the water pills with my Powerade Zero. I went back on my bed in the living room and just sat there. I couldn't move. I couldn't even feel half of my body. I wanted to take a nap, but I could barely keep my eyes closed. I had a headache, I was freezing cold and shaking. My mom came in and asked if I was okay and I said I'll be fine. The famous question came after. "Did you eat today?" Ugh. "Yes, mom." Please go away. "Oh, okay." She started walking away. "Wait, what did you eat?" Jesus, woman, leave me alone. "It's Saturday so they had food samples around the store. I had some lunch meat and cantaloupe on my break." She finally leaves me alone because she needs to pay attention to her boyfriend. I lied there for three hours trying to fall asleep. Nothing. I finally get up to go to the bathroom, and get a chuckle when I see blue pee in the toilet. Side effect from the water pills. I go in the kitchen and have a cigarette for the first time in four hours (that's a freaking record). My mom asks me if I'm okay and I said I dunno. Good enough for her; she goes back to her stupid story about some high school crap to her boyfriend. I go back and lay down. I wasn't sure what was wrong with me, and I'm still not. People are saying it could be the flu, which is just great. I wouldn't know, because lucky me, I've never had the flu. But that's the last thing I need right now. That means a pissed off boyfriend when I tell him I can't come see him on Monday. Oh well, he'll live.
I hope I feel better by tomorrow because I have work in the morning. My mom thinks I sleep too much and that's why I feel like this. Yeah, right. I get tons of sleep. Ha.
Today I maintained my weight from yesterday, and I wanted to try harder so I don't fall back into a rapid weight-loss pattern. So my mom had to take my little brother to school for his midterms and we stopped at a Wawa (it's a small food/convenient store) on the way back. I got a blueberry muffin and a bottle of their cookies & cream milk. Together those two things have more calories in them than I've consumed every day this week put together. Frightening. I couldn't stomach it all at first. I thought it would be much easier than that. Eventually, within a few hours, I finished both. Then, to make it worse, my little brother ordered a pizza and I decided to challenge myself more. TOO MUCH. I was in so much pain from eating three slices. I've eaten a little over 2000 calories today, more than I've had in about three weeks worth of food. I will probably gain again tomorrow.
Tomorrow I go to work and get my paycheck (yes!) and my schedule for next week. I'm planning on buying diuretics, depending on how expensive they are. I'm not going to go crazy, I'll just take a couple when I'm bloated or drink too much. Kind of would have helped me today. For some reason I stepped on the scale about an hour ago and +3 pounds. I know it's not real weight, but at least one pound is. Maybe even two. Who knows.
A lot of other things happened today, but I'm really tired and I have to get up for work tomorrow so if I feel like it I'll post tomorrow night.
Today was crazy. Me and my boyfriend got into a fight last night and he told me not to bother calling him and that he wasn't going to come see me today, so I slept in. I woke up around 10-something and had my morning cigarette before weighing myself. I lost two pounds overnight, making my BMI 18.1. I checked my Facebook to find a message from him saying that I'd better call him before 12 or he wasn't going to come see me (he was already on his way here). So I get up and call him and get showered a dressed so I can walk to the train station to get him. The walk was horrible because of the weather. I was about 1/3 of the way there and some guy stopped and offered me a ride. I hesitated because I'd never taken a ride from someone before, but I got in his car and let him drive me to the train station. I met my boyfriend and we walked all the way back. We got inside and my mom was lying down in her room and my brothers went outside to shovel the rest of the snow, so we sat on my bed. To make a long story short, we had sex three times in six hours. What a great workout. He left around 8 to walk back to catch his train and I called him while he was on his way there. While I was on the phone with him I was checking my Facebook and I got a message from a friend saying she really needed to talk to me, so I said, "oh, shit" and I told him I needed to make a call once I knew he was safe on the train. Well, he got really upset because he said I'm always talking to other people when I'm on the phone with him, which is a total exaggeration. So he got all moody and we started fighting and then he hung up on me so I got mad and he kept calling me back. I called my friend and he kept blowing up my phone while I was talking to her so then when I finally got off the phone with her he called again and starts yelling at me and saying that I made him get lost. So we fought some more and he hung up again and blah, blah, blah. He eventually called me back crying and we talked and then I got really tired so he finally let me go.
That was pretty much my day. I didn't eat much. I fed him three times before he left and he kept asking him why I wasn't eating with him (although I did the first time) and I just told him I eat at night (total lie).
Well, I'm completely exhausted for obvious reasons, so I'm calling it a night.
Hmm, well, today sucked, other than the fact that I finally lost a pound after three days of maintaining (seems to be a pattern going on here). My BMI is now 18.5 and losing another pound will make me underweight. Ugh. This morning and afternoon before work went by fairly slow. Work was a pain. I was very busy going around the store every twenty minutes and wiping nasty water and slush off the floors because people are too inconsiderate and mindless to use the floor mat to wipe their feet. I was the one to take out the trash for the third day in a row. There is a woman who I believe is a supervisor, named Gay (I'm not sure if she spells it like that, but that is her name). Well I was walking back to customer service to return the paper towels after wiping the nasty floors, and she grabbed me by the arm and said to Jennifer, "Here's another one who needs to be fed! Look how skinny she is!" It was so embarrassing! Then she pinched my stomach and said, "Mmm, mmm, mmm, skin and bones!" Like, really, what the fuck? Who does that?
The weather here is absolutely horrendous. When I went outside on my break it was hailing, thundering and lightning. My mom refused to pick me up so Jennifer gave me a ride home. Of course, ten minutes before I leave, Rick (the "person in charge") asked me to help two other people push carts. I go outside and I'm the only one out there for ten minutes before the other two people come out. It was so disgusting - about two or three inches of wet, disgusting slush in my shoes. I was supposed to work from 5-9, but since Jennifer was driving me home, I left about an hour early. Thank God, because I wasn't going to continue working with wet feet. Ew. Well I'm excited to get paid on Friday and find out when I'm working next week. I need money - bad.
I'm supposed to see my boyfriend tomorrow but we don't know if it will happen seeing as the weather is horrible and the trains might not run tomorrow. If not, possibly on Friday. I really don't feel like walking two miles to the train station in this shit weather to pick him up and then walk all the way back. Oh, the things we do for love (HA HA, NOT).
I'm kind of hungry but there's nothing healthy in my house to eat. Just a bunch of disgusting junk. Ugh. I don't know what I'll do tomorrow since I'll be home all day (and with my boyfriend). Grr.
I woke up around 11:00 this morning and I was supposed to call my boyfriend as usual. I talked to him for a little while. Blah, blah, blah. I loafed around for a while until about 3:00 when I realized I had no clean work clothes and I had to be at work at 5:00. Panic. I threw my shirts in the wash but not my pants because they are black (my shirts are white). I ended up wearing the pants I wore yesterday (gross, I know). My shirts weren't completely dry after going through the dryer twice, and the clock was ticking. I ended up wearing a damp shirt to work. Jennifer, one of the front-end supervisors, was in total bitch mode today. Work went by somewhat quickly.
I was going to fast today, but I had work and I was already feeling like shit beforehand so I had some oatmeal. I burned it all off. I really hope I lose by tomorrow - I'm so sick of maintaining.
My boyfriend is definitely coming up to see me on Thursday. Now he wants to get a room at a hotel but I don't know if we can because you have to be 21 to make a reservation and have a credit card. I have a debit card, but no money on it. He has all the money in cash. So I don't think that's going to happen.
Such a boring post, I know.
I'm so tired lately. Today I maintained... I think it's because it's "that time of the month" and it's getting on my nerves. I burned off what I ate today and then some. It's so easy to eat less while I'm working. I just have a diet coke on my break (which is somewhat uncomfortable because I have to scarf it down in fifteen minutes). I weighed myself a little bit ago. I usually don't weigh myself at night but I did today because I didn't eat a lot and whatever. But it said I gained a pound which I really hope isn't true, but it's probably just water weight (crossing my fingers). Unfortunately it looks like I may be maintaining again tomorrow...
My boyfriend is coming up to see me on Thursday so I will be spending the day with him. Oh boy. He wasn't really annoying today, to my surprise. He let me get off the phone when I called him after work because I was so tired, even though I have yet to go to bed. Yeah, that was about three hours ago. Oh well. I really didn't feel like talking.
Work was boring. It's so dead in there most of the time that I have to make things up to do just to keep my sanity. I felt like shit though because I forgot to take another Advil for my cramps before I went in. Luckily it went away after about two hours. No really annoying customers today.
I just spent thirty minutes plucking my eyebrows for the first time in God knows how long. I think one is shorter than the other, but I can't make them even now because it would look retarded. Oh well, I suck at that.
My life is pretty boring right now.
Finally lost that pound yesterday, but maintained today. But I don't really feel like talking about how my day was yesterday. It was nothing. You know, every night before I go to sleep I cry and realize how depressed I am. I really hate my life right now. Yes, I'm grateful that I have certain things, i.e. - a home, a bed, a job, etc. But I feel so empty inside. No, I'm not talking about physically being empty - I like that feeling. I'm talking about the day-in and day-out going-through-the-motions feeling. Wake up, weigh-in, bum around, go to work, repeat, repeat, repeat. I try to talk to my friends on the phone and online. I don't tell them anything anymore. I just feel like shit. I really don't feel like talking to anyone at all, and it seems that when I do I feel even more miserable for forcing myself to do it. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so numb during the day and then it all comes out in my head when I'm trying to sleep at night. I probably just need to go back on my meds, but I was hoping I didn't need them anymore. I'm missing something and I don't know what it is. I want to find it. I feel like I've been searching for years and there have been times where I thought I was happy, but it was just a placebo effect. I'm tired of talking to therapists and saying the same things over and over, trying to explain how I feel, and getting the same responses over and over. Nothing really helps. I just want to block myself out from the world for a while and come back and have everything be happy. But obviously that's unrealistic. I don't know anymore. Maybe it's just PMS.
Today was very tiring. I woke up around 10 this morning and started to get ready for work. Well my "boyfriend" made me promise last night that I would call him before I went to work today (I had work at 12). So I take my shower and dry my hair and straighten it & the like, and by that time it's about 11:30. As I promised, I called him, but only for about 5 minutes. He tells me to call him as soon as I get off from work (possessive much?) and I told him I was planning on calling my friend Erica because I haven't talked to her in a while since I've been talking to him 24/7 and haven't had time to. He says, "No, you're supposed to call me first." and I told him I would call him when I'm done talking to her. "Well how long are you gonna be on the phone with her then? You need to call me right away when you're done." Ugh. I hang up and go to work.
Work is long and tiring. I go in and try to clock in but my time card is still inactive because they haven't put me in the system yet. So I go and bag. Surprisingly, in my three-day experience there so far, the customers are very nice. But of course, not everyone is going to be nice. One customer came through the check-out where I was bagging and told me to bag everything in paper, so I did. Then he says, "Well you obviously haven't been working here very long. When a customer asks you to bag in paper you always need to double bag it unless they ask you not to." This is extremely untrue, but apparently he doesn't know that, and "the customer is always right" so I said I was sorry and did as he asked. Then he says to the cashier, "Yeah, what would you rate her for customer service?" Vince, the cashier, just ignored him, but the customer wouldn't shut up. I was so glad when he left - he was really pissing me off. Later, I was bagging at another line and a woman was buying these Hostess doughnuts that were buy one get one free. So the cashier rings it up and it says: (something along the lines of)
HSTSS DNUTS 4.29
HSTSS DNUTS BUY 1 GET 1 FREE
HSTSS DNUTS 4.29-
Apparently the woman didn't understand that the second time it said it, there was a minus after it, meaning it subtracted that amount since it was free. "Wait, you just charged me like, four times for those doughnuts!" Total exaggeration. "No, ma'am, the second time was the computer subtracting that amount *points to the minus symbol on the screen* see? It took away the 4.29 so it cancels it out." They argued for a while and finally the woman gave up. I went on my break about halfway through my shift and went outside for a cigarette. Jennifer, one of the front-end supervisors, went out too because she goes out there about every half-hour even though she's not supposed to (although I guess she figures she can do as she wishes seeing as she's a supervisor). We went to the side of the building because we're not allowed to stand in front (that's loitering) and started having small conversation. I was in the middle of telling her a story about my brother, and another associate, Curtis, comes out. The second she sees him, I'm in the middle of a sentence, and she stops and turns her back towards me and says, "Hey, Curtis! What's up, man!?" and totally ignores me. How fucking rude! So I was just like, ok whatever, and went back inside. The rest of my shift was spent bagging until Dave, the assistant manager, called me over ten minutes before I was supposed to leave and asked me to push carts. So I go outside and push some carts and my mom comes pulling up and sits there. Well obviously I'm busy working, but she expects me to get in the car. I keep trying to tell her to go park before she gets a ticket for parking in the fire zone because I wasn't done. And she also tried calling me during my shift to ask me to pick up cream of mushroom soup, because I can totally answer my phone while I'm working. Oh, and I also have money. Not.
On the way home all she talks about is her boyfriend not being able to come and spend the night because he was "stuck" with his step-son (who is 21) all night. So she sat there and bitched and complained and swore. She's really fucking annoying. Yeah, Mom, my day was great, thanks for asking! Whatever, I don't really care. I go home and I'm so tired and sore. I have a cigarette and try to call my friend Erica but she doesn't answer. So I called my friend Kristin and talked to her for a little bit and then I tried calling Joe (my "boyfriend"). I called him about five or six times and he didn't answer so I called Erica back and she picked up so I talked to her for two hours. While I was on the phone with her he tried calling me twice but I didn't pick up. He kept messaging me on Facebook asking me how long I was gonna be on the phone and that I need to call him. I got off the phone with Erica and had another cigarette before calling him back. He didn't answer until the fourth time I called him. We talked for about ten minutes and then he said he wanted to go to bed because he took some aspirin and felt dizzy. Thank God.
I maintained my weight for the third day in a row now and I'm getting kind of annoyed. I didn't eat all day, and I thought I was going to pass out at work. I was fine. When I came home I wasn't hungry anyway. A little later I decided to eat the rest of my pickles. There were only three left, but I had 2½ because my mom wanted half of one. For some reason I felt like eating more even though I really wasn't hungry, so I had the rest of the leftover pasta, about 1½ cups. I'm under 500 calories today, but that wasn't what I was aiming for. I was only supposed to have the pickles. I don't want to maintain again tomorrow. I was too tired to go for a walk like I usually did before I started working. There's no way in hell I have time to walk three times a day with a job unless I don't sleep. Anyway, I also hope I don't gain, although I know that idea is somewhat irrational. Can't I just lose one more pound? Or two? Well, really three, then I don't care, as long as I don't gain it back. Ugh, this is so frustrating.
Tomorrow I don't have to work, so hopefully I will be able to sleep in somewhat and relax a little, maybe take a hot bath since we just cleaned the tub. I dunno. Hopefully I won't be as sore and I can go for a walk, although we're supposed to have a low of 9° tomorrow where I'm at. Mostly, I just hope I will stay away from crap food. I have work on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Saturday this coming week. I might be seeing Joe on one of my days off if it works out for him. We'll see.
Okay. Well, today was very interesting. I'm kind of seeing this guy Joe, but not technically officially because I haven't seen him in a while (we've dated before). Well, he's in Philly right now and he needs to get some money to come up and see me. I like him, but he calls me 24/7 and gets mad when I don't call him right back and stupid stuff like that. It's really annoying. He's very clingy, which is actually a huge turn-off for me, but I have a problem saying that to guys. So I dunno. Basically all I did all day was talk to him on the phone a million times, in between eating (yes, eating!) small things here and there.
My weight maintained from yesterday, which was sort of a disappointment. I'm scared I might gain by tomorrow because I had almost 700 calories today, and no exercise. I feel horrible. This is because I didn't go to work today. Tomorrow I work from 12-5 but that means I'll be home for dinner (groan) so that's not good... I hate it when my mom's boyfriend comes over because that's the only time she ever cooks anything. She's underweight herself, and she barely eats and she's always complaining that she's dizzy and, "Oh my God, I'm just gonna die! I haven't eaten since yesterday morning when I had half a bagel!" (She's very dramatic.)
My older brother is really pissing me off, as always. He always has to start some stupid fucking shit over nothing. It's ridiculous. I just want to fucking strangle him sometimes, UGH!!!! He gets on my fucking nerves so bad, I just want to punch him in the fucking face, I can't stand him at all. God. Sorry, I just really don't like him...
Anyway, that's pretty much it. More tomorrow or whenever I suppose.