Went to get my paycheck. Bought lots of junk food. Ate a whole 5oz bag of cheddar popcorn within 20 minutes. Ate 2.5oz of Pringles. So disgusting. And then, just now, I ate a bowl of Mac & Cheese. Why?! Because I'm fat. Because I have no self-control. Because I'm disgusting and stupid. Tomorrow I will be 5lbs heavier. Great.
I'm seeing a friend tonight whom I haven't seen in ages. He's going to college nearby and he wants me to show him around the area.
*Several hours later*
My friend Chris picked me up around 6:30 and I showed him around the area a bit before we decided to go to the mall. I got two new shirts from Wet Seal. Then I felt like eating. What the fuck!!! We go to a Chick-fil-a and I get a small cookies & cream milkshake. With whipped cream and a cherry. While I'm still eating/drinking this milkshake, we go to Wendy's, and I get a double junior bacon cheeseburger. And, as if that weren't enough, I get a medium natural-cut fries. I'm ready to explode, but I shove the disgusting shit in my face anyway. Today I had over 2500 calories of disgusting, fattening, gross, horrible shit. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH OF A FUCKING FAILURE I AM. I AM SUCH A FUCK-UP AND I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF MYSELF. I'm doing 250 sit-ups before bed. I have to. There's no way I'm letting myself get off like this. I weighed myself when I got home and the difference between now and this morning... +4lbs. Seriously. FUCKING FAT. What the FUCK is wrong with me?!?!
ANYWAY, I asked Chris if he could take me to see Erica and he said sure. So I went and surprised her. We stayed there for almost an hour until she told me I had to go before she got in trouble because she's supposed to be working (duh). So we left and Chris took me home. I thanked him and offered him gas money but he wouldn't take it. He's such a gentleman.
Tomorrow = no food. NO, NO, NO and NO. Not happening. Nope. Nothing. Can't. Won't. Don't. End of story. I am so disgusting and fat and bloated and horrible right now, I want to blow up. I'm doing sit-ups and whatever else until I pass out. I have work tomorrow from 11-4 so I will keep busy. NO FUCKING FOOD. EWEWEWEWEWEWEW. THAT IS HOW I FEEL. AND I AM SO FUCKING MAD RIGHT NOW.
5 comments:
Oh boy. Well you see what you eat is not really food. It comes from factories and chemical reactor tanks and beakers. It is DESIGNED to make you gobble it down. It is designed by lots of bright people with PhDs. You simply do not stand a chance and yes, that kind of food does make you sort of temporary insane. Been there, done that. The trick is not to play this game. You are already addicted, you behave like a junky, so take defeat and quit. Start eating actual food. Meat, fat, whatever you want. But let it be actual food, something that came from a farm was processed only reasonably. If you want a simple rule, do not eat anything that has hydrogenated fat or shelvelife of over say half a year, or pick your number. Make you own milkshakes from milk and fruits, for example. And yes, it is cheaper cuz you will simly eat waaaay less. Good luck.
reading this almost made me cry, I feel like this all the time, but starving yourself in't the answer. I am so sorry this is happening, feeling fat and hating yourself is never fun.
I'm only five ft 3 and weigh well over 200lbs. I hate it but you only have one life and yes, you may shorten it somewhat by eating the wrong things but the way I see it is you could die tomorrow from a number of different ways. You could eat as healthily as you want but will that stop you from being knocked over, having a terminal illness or even getting murdered! Enjoy your food! Treat yourself and live this one life the way you want to and not what society tells you!
In all honesty I have had my slim days and I miss them but I also starved myself then most of the time, so I might have been slim but I was far from happy. I'm now obese and of course if there was a miracle pill that would shrink me back down to a size eight overnight I'd take it. But that's not gonna happen and I have accepted that. I enjoy my food now more than ever and am not out to impress anyone but myself! I LIKE myself, and there's a lot of woman to like. I will only lose weight now if my life depended on it. If it doesn't, then bring on the double cheese-burger (with added mayo!) and the pringles for a later snack and the cheeses! Yeah baby!
How much do you weigh? And there is a very supportive reason why I am asking this. Recovering Bulimiarexic
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