The Emptiness

I felt so shitty today (what else is new).  I waited for my little brother to come home from school at 3:00 before I walked to work.  I felt like I was going to fall down every second on the way there.  I made it there 25 minutes early and sat on the floor in the break room to catch my breath and wait for my heart to stop pounding 2837492 miles a minute.  I still haven't eaten since the weekend.  I went downstairs and clocked in.  I kept walking into things and all that good stuff, but I managed to stay standing the whole time.  I worked from 4:00-8:30.  Three minutes before my shift ended, my mom called me and left a voicemail.  I clocked out and got my stuff and went outside to wait for her, then listened to my voicemail and her message saying she can't get me right away because she's blocked in the driveway (we share a driveway).  So I smoke a cigarette and go back inside to sit down for five more minutes.  I go in the area between the doors that go outside and sit on a chair.  Then I got called to customer service.  My mom called and said she would be another half-hour.  I felt like I was dying.  I told myself I really needed to eat something.  Now.  I check my change purse and all I have is 84 cents.  After a lot of thought, I go buy a 50 cent bag of white cheddar popcorn and scarf it down.  I try not to eat it too fast because I don't want people looking at me weird like I haven't eaten in five days.  One of my co-workers, Shannon, comes up to talk to me because it's really slow.  She's nearly obese, but she's really nice.  I told her I can't wait to go home and raid my fridge.  She said she can't imagine me doing that, and that I must have a really high metabolism.  As if.  Finally, my mom's boyfriend picks me up around 9:30.  I asked him if my mom was cooking dinner.  I called her on his phone and she said no.  I came home and before anything else, grabbed the remaining crumbs left in a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos (my favorite).  There was barely anything in there, but I finished the bag.  I was still hungry.  I go back to the kitchen and make myself a sandwich.  Actually, a sandwich and a half.  Ham, cheese and mustard on white bread.  While I was preparing the sandwiches, I stuffed extra ham and cheese in my face.  By the time I went to eat the actually sandwich, I wasn't hungry anymore.  But I shoved it down my throat anyway, and that instant the thoughts came rushing through my head.  "Why the fuck did you do that?? You're going to gain five pounds by morning because you're so fucking stupid for eating this late at night, and eating this much when you haven't eaten in five days.  You have no metabolism and it will go right to your thighs, your stomach, your hips, EVERYWHERE.  You stupid, fat fucking pig."  I had a mini freak-out session in my head.  I can feel all the fat and nastiness attaching itself to my insides.  I already feel like I've gained five pounds.  I can't fucking believe myself.  I'm so angry.  But I had to do it.  No.  I didn't have to do it that much, not to that extent.  And I don't have work tomorrow so I'm going to gain even more weight.  I'm so fucking stupid.  I'm so fat and I'm so pathetic.  And no, I'm not really going to get help.  I don't need it.