The Emptiness

So I weighed myself again before I took a shower, even though at that point I had eaten... and I was a pound less than when I woke up somehow.  But that may change by tomorrow.  I ended up eating a lot today.  I did manage to spread it out fairly well throughout the day, but it was still a LOT.  A total of 1044.5 calories!!!  Totally wasn't my plan.  I had breakfast (around 10:30am), lunch (around 2pm), snack (around 4pm), dinner (around 10pm), snack (around 11pm).  Breakfast was 236 calories (all healthy and fat free), lunch was 158.5 calories (all healthy and 2.5g fat), the first snack was 253 calories (still all healthy and 5g fat).  I fucked up and ate a plain bagel with two slices of melted fat-free cheese (317 calories and 1g fat) for dinner.  The last snack was just a cup of skim milk - 80 calories.  Totally could have lived without the stupid bagel and be under 1000 for the day, which is still an awful lot.

Went to work and felt physically good.  I made sure of that by eating before I went in.  Dave was there and he ignored me the whole time (didn't even say hi) but he was watching me like a freaking hawk so I acted extra energetic while he was around.  Nothing really interesting happened today except that I caught (kind of caught) this teenage boy stealing a candy bar right in front of me, but when I told the loss prevention guy, we couldn't find the kid and I was watching the door for him but I didn't see him leave.  Brian, the loss prevention guy, said he wasn't going to kill himself over a stolen Butterfinger, and to just let it go.  I didn't have to push carts at all again today because the boys were there again, so that was good.  I'm really, really anxious about tomorrow and having the meeting with Dave and Jenn.  I really don't want to lose my job because of some stupid crap like ED.  I hope I make it to see cashier training on Saturday.

So I will probably weigh more tomorrow.  Great.  Maybe I will do better tomorrow.  I need to make sure I eat something before work again so I might have a better chance with Dave.  I'm really scared...