The Emptiness

So.  I sat around mostly all day.  I talked to Kelly on the phone a bit and my friend Zhaniah.  The super bowl came on at 6:30 and I decided to put it on for the commercials while I sit and knit.  I kept thinking about the last unopened bag of chips I bought the other day that I gave to my mom for her and her boyfriend to eat during the game.  Well, her boyfriend never came back and she was sitting around being all depressed.  So I went in her room and took the chips.  A serving size is 13 chips.  I ate the whole bag.  It wasn't as big as the one I had the other day - it was a 3.75oz bag.  But regardless, 600 calories of crap inside of me.  Then I decided I wanted to eat more because I wanted to taste something.  I got into the fridge and grabbed some lowfat yogurt and poured 1/4 cup of Raisin Bran cereal in there.  There goes 300 more, at least.  Haha, I think, I'm so fat.  Need to jog.  It's 8:00 at night.  I tell my mom I'm going for a walk and she complains that it's dark out, even though I walk in the dark all the time.  The only thing she doesn't want me to do is walk up the highway at night.  Guess what I did?  I grabbed my coat, my iPod, my Crystal Light and seven dollars and trekked two miles to work.  Up the highway.  In the dark.  I started jogging on the way there, for about 30 seconds until I couldn't breathe anymore (I have exercise-induced asthma... and I smoke on top of that).  So I just power walked to the best of my ability.  I got there within 25 minutes and it was nearly completely empty.  I honestly thought it was closed.  I went in and marched up and down every aisle, not looking for anything in particular.  I saw Shannon, the obese girl who I talked to the other night, standing alone at her register.  I went up there and talked to her for a bit and then went to look at gum.  I picked up a 60 pack of sugar-free Juicy Fruit.  Then I went up and down the rest of the store.  I came across aisle 8, the junk aisle.  At the end of the aisle there's a bunch of candy and more gum.  I spent ten minutes looking through all of it.  I wasn't hungry, and I definitelty didn't need to eat any more than what I'd already eaten.  I pick up a box of Mike&Ike and stare down the nutrition facts before bringing it up to Shannon to buy it.  I leave and walk back.  I called Kelly back on my way home because it made me feel safer about walking in the dark at 9:00pm.

I feel so fat when I get home, even though I just walked for a good hour or so.  I put my stuff down and went on the computer.  I had a lovely chat in the WhyEat chatroom for the first time (it's always empty when I go in there) and now I'm contemplating doing some sit-ups before I take more water pills, possibly stay up for another five hours, knit some more and fall asleep.  However, I'm still in pain from the other night.  I'm not sure what I'll do, but I sense weight gain by morning.  I hate, hate, hate this so much.  I completely forgot my boyfriend is supposed to come up again tomorrow and he's going to see that I'm fat.  Ugh.