The Emptiness

Ehh.  So I tried watching TV and knitting and all that good stuff.  My mom made me go out to the store with her because she's "too dizzy" to go by herself and has no clue why. Gee, I dunno, Mom.  Maybe you should FUCKING EAT SOMETHING, YOU DUMB BITCH.  Jesus. It's not fucking rocket science why you feel like that, I think I would fucking know.  I'm getting so fucking sick of her moping around because she's "sick" and "dizzy" and "queasy" and all the other stupid fucking bullshit she complains about.  MAYBE IF YOU FUCKING ATE SOMETHING SUBSTANTIAL AND STOPPED DRINKING SO FUCKING MUCH YOU WOULDN'T FEEL LIKE THAT, YOU FUCKING MORON! God, she really fucking pisses me off.  I'm so fucking sick of her.  She always plays "poor me" and it's so fucking old.

Sorry, I really needed to get that out.

Anyway.  I came back from the store with her and went back to my bed in the living room with the TV on.  Thoughts raced in my head for about an hour about eating something.  I'll just eat something small... no, no, you said you wouldn't... but I'm hungry, it's okay... no, it's not!  Maybe a salad... no, I don't want a salad, I want a hot dog... What the fuck, no you don't! etc., etc.  I ended up going in the kitchen and eating two cups of lettuce with my reduced fat dressing.  I quickly added it up in my head to a total of 65 calories.  Then for some reason I thought, well, I could just eat around 500 and say I'm starting ABC... then I won't feel as bad about eating when I wasn't supposed to at all.  So I go back in my fridge and estimate how many slices of cheese I can eat.  I eat four, leaving me a 115-calorie budget for the rest of the night.  Part of me feels the need to get as close to 500 as I can.  I go in the cabinet and look for soup.  The only soup we have is Chicken Gumbo, reduced calorie.  I take it and heat it up.  A glance at the small can tells me it has 70 calories.  Perfect, I thought.  Then I panicked.  You dumbass! That's only for one serving! I snatch the can up and it tells me there are 2.5 servings per can.  What the fuck!  I do the real calorie counting, and see that a serving is actually 65 calories.  Okay, so that's 195 per can... that's too much!!  I ate it anyway.  It was delicious.  After freaking about going over by 80 calories, I decided to walk four miles to and from the dollar store.  I still feel horrible.  I can't even eat a little bit, what the hell.  But I guess if I want to play these mind games back, I'm going to pretend it's okay, that I'm starting ABC and this was Day 1.  We'll see how this goes.  I have a feeling the scale won't budge for another day.

I realized lately that this has been so up and down for me the past week.  I'm not sure what's going on.  I just don't want to gain weight.  At all.  I don't even like my weight, even though I'm underweight.  And I'm always bloated.  I always look fat.  When I fasted those five days last week I felt good.  Now I just feel like a horrible pig.