I gained a pound today. I ate almost 800 calories last night. And I gained a freaking pound. I'm still taking the diuretics. Last night I was way too hyper from them, probably because I never consume caffeine anymore. Over the summer I went through a bad caffeine withdrawal and since then I haven't had any caffeine, for the most part. Caffeine withdrawal is actually a really scary thing to go through. I felt horrible. I could barely move around, I was extremely shaky and dizzy, I passed out a few times, my blood pressure was crazy. I was actually in the hospital when it started and they didn't know what was wrong with me until I left and emailed my nutritionist when it continued. Drinking four 20oz. Mountain Dews/day = bad idea. It's funny though because now I'm actually taking in more caffeine with these pills. I wasn't going to take some again before bed because I had to get up at 5:30 this morning and I didn't want to crash during the day because I was supposed to go see my boyfriend. Fail. My mom got the car ready and everything to take me to the train station, and when we got in the car her windows were frozen shut so she said, "Oh well, you can't go." Great. My boyfriend got his phone stolen yesterday and he's probably at the train station as we speak waiting for me and there's no way to tell him I won't be there. Now he's going to think I stood him up and he will flip out. Just what I need. Anyway, I was thinking a lot about this caffeine thing last night. I'm kind of scared to stop taking the pills because I don't want to go through a withdrawal again and have something bad happen like pass out at work. So I'm not going to stop them just yet. Especially since I have to walk to work tomorrow and Thursday because they fucked up my hours and my mom won't be around to drive me. Oh, and it's so great, because it's supposed to be snowing while I walk there. Marvelous, right? So I have this massive headache and my ears keep hurting off and on. I thought about going back to bed considering I only got three hours of sleep again, but now I can't because I took the pills already. Plus I called my friend Kristin when I was mad about sitting home alone all day and she might possibly pick me up a little later. I'm hoping she does and I'm also hoping my friend Erica is working today so I can go see her while I'm with Kristin because Kristin promised she would take me if I gave her gas money, which I now have since I didn't spend it on the train. Things work out, I guess. I know this post is a jumbled mess, but that's because I'm really too lazy right now to make it all neat and organized by making it into cute little paragraphs. But guess what? I don't care. I'm so moody lately too. And I'm not on my period anymore. But maybe the PMS is still lingering, who knows. Hmm, what else to complain about? Yeah, because I'm in the complaining mood. Oh, I know. How about I made my boyfriend lunch and now I might end up having to eat it. No thanks, I don't want a peanut butter sandwich and dry cereal. I can put the cereal back, but you can't really undo a peanut butter sandwich. Maybe my little brother will eat it after school. Or hopefully there are some hungry birds outside. Well, I'm trying to make my day somewhat productive. I sort of cleaned a little, and I'm doing some laundry. I cleaned my purse out (it was a mess) and I took all the water pills out of there box and into a baggie and then ripped the box up into a thousand little pieces and in the trash it went. I really like being home alone sometimes because that happens very, very rarely, but today I'm just so all over the place and don't know what to do with myself that being alone is driving me nuts. Everyone is at school or work and there's no one to really talk to. I don't feel like watching Dora the Explorer on TV. I don't feel like writing my book that I've been trying to write since November and have left sitting by my bed for weeks now. No one's on Facebook. No one I talk to is on WE. I'm so freezing cold right now. This is such a pointless blog post. I feel like I should just talk to a wall. It's okay, no one can hear me. Don't I sound crazy? Hmm. I feel like such a freaking loser. I need a life.
Hmm. Got less than four hours of sleep last night. Woke up, weighed in (lost those two pounds again - back at 18.1 BMI), showered, got ready for work at 10. Felt much better than I did last night (and still feel pretty good). Went to work. Started feeling nauseous, but it passed. Work flew by. My mom came with her boyfriend to pick me up. They went shopping, great. I took water pills when I woke up and when I got home from work. Someone stole my boyfriend's phone. I'm going to Philly tomorrow to see him. Spending all my money. Oh joy. Didn't eat all day until my stomach couldn't take it anymore and the hunger satisfaction drink wore off. At some cereal. With whole milk. My mom made dinner. Ate some of that, even though I really didn't like it because it was spicy. Taking more pills before bed. I feel so horrible. I'm just going to gain the weight back. It didn't even matter that I fasted all day yesterday and through four o'clock this afternoon. Sigh. What am I going to do with myself?
I suck. Gained two pounds. Went to work today. Didn't feel like making myself all pretty so I said fuck it and went in looking like crap. Didn't eat all day. Went on my break and suddenly felt ten times worse. I came back inside and sat down by the customer service desk and Jennifer told me I look like shit. "Did you eat today?" Pause. "Yeah." Sure. I always eat. "What did you eat today?" Hmm. Let's pretend you didn't hear her ask that and maybe she'll forget. "Amy, what did you eat today?" Shit. "Oh... a yogurt... and some toast." She doesn't believe me, I can tell by the look on her face. I go sit on a little stool and she finishes bagging an order and walks over to me. "You sure you're okay?" Ha. "Yeah, I'm fine, really. I have a question, don't think I'm weird." Yeah, right. "Do we sell water pills? I saw laxatives but no water pills." More weird looks. "Yeah, they're over here, let me show you... wait, they're not for you are they??" Umm.... "No, no, they're for a friend. She's on her period, she's really bloated." If I had a penny for all the weird looks... I go back to work and try not to fall on the floor. I happened to glance over to customer service while I was bagging and saw Jennifer talking to Dave, the assistant manager, and looking at me. I walked by there a while later to grab something, and she told me that Dave said I could go home early if I really felt bad. I told her I'm fine and I would stay, and I did. After much agony, four o'clock finally rolled around and I punched out (even though my time card still doesn't work). I went and got my stuff from the break room and picked up some things: crystal light hunger satisfaction, crystal light raspberry lemonade, Powerade Zero and my new friend, Diurex. I brought it to customer service to be checked out and made sure Jennifer checked me out since she already thinks I'm weird (I don't need more weird looks from other people). I got my shit paycheck and paid for my things. "Feel better," she tells me. I go outside, expecting my mom to be there because it's now quarter after four, but no. I have to go inside and buy minutes for my phone so I can call her to pick me up. Now I have a little more than twenty bucks left, just enough to go down to Philly on Monday to see Joe. When I go back inside to buy the minutes, Jennifer asks me if I had a ride. I shrugged my shoulders and went back outside to call my mom. She says she didn't know I got off at four, so she's on her way. I go back inside and wait on the stool by customer service because it's too cold outside and I'm already a walking ice cube. Jennifer is getting off her shift and she sees me sitting there and asks if I need a ride. I said no. Not even "no, thanks." I felt kind of bad because I probably came off as rude. So she left. My mom called me back and told me that her boyfriend was picking me up. Oh, yay. He tries to talk to me on the way home, and I ignore him. Mostly because I'm feeling like shit, but also because he's not my father. I get home and plop all my crap down on my bed and hide the water pills. I lay down for five minutes, and then go in my older brother's room (he's gone for the weekend, thank God) and bring the house phone with me to make some calls. I called about five people (after I called my boyfriend and listened to him talk about getting high) and no one could talk, or they didn't answer. I sat there for a while and then took two of the water pills with my Powerade Zero. I went back on my bed in the living room and just sat there. I couldn't move. I couldn't even feel half of my body. I wanted to take a nap, but I could barely keep my eyes closed. I had a headache, I was freezing cold and shaking. My mom came in and asked if I was okay and I said I'll be fine. The famous question came after. "Did you eat today?" Ugh. "Yes, mom." Please go away. "Oh, okay." She started walking away. "Wait, what did you eat?" Jesus, woman, leave me alone. "It's Saturday so they had food samples around the store. I had some lunch meat and cantaloupe on my break." She finally leaves me alone because she needs to pay attention to her boyfriend. I lied there for three hours trying to fall asleep. Nothing. I finally get up to go to the bathroom, and get a chuckle when I see blue pee in the toilet. Side effect from the water pills. I go in the kitchen and have a cigarette for the first time in four hours (that's a freaking record). My mom asks me if I'm okay and I said I dunno. Good enough for her; she goes back to her stupid story about some high school crap to her boyfriend. I go back and lay down. I wasn't sure what was wrong with me, and I'm still not. People are saying it could be the flu, which is just great. I wouldn't know, because lucky me, I've never had the flu. But that's the last thing I need right now. That means a pissed off boyfriend when I tell him I can't come see him on Monday. Oh well, he'll live.
I hope I feel better by tomorrow because I have work in the morning. My mom thinks I sleep too much and that's why I feel like this. Yeah, right. I get tons of sleep. Ha.
Today I maintained my weight from yesterday, and I wanted to try harder so I don't fall back into a rapid weight-loss pattern. So my mom had to take my little brother to school for his midterms and we stopped at a Wawa (it's a small food/convenient store) on the way back. I got a blueberry muffin and a bottle of their cookies & cream milk. Together those two things have more calories in them than I've consumed every day this week put together. Frightening. I couldn't stomach it all at first. I thought it would be much easier than that. Eventually, within a few hours, I finished both. Then, to make it worse, my little brother ordered a pizza and I decided to challenge myself more. TOO MUCH. I was in so much pain from eating three slices. I've eaten a little over 2000 calories today, more than I've had in about three weeks worth of food. I will probably gain again tomorrow.
Tomorrow I go to work and get my paycheck (yes!) and my schedule for next week. I'm planning on buying diuretics, depending on how expensive they are. I'm not going to go crazy, I'll just take a couple when I'm bloated or drink too much. Kind of would have helped me today. For some reason I stepped on the scale about an hour ago and +3 pounds. I know it's not real weight, but at least one pound is. Maybe even two. Who knows.
A lot of other things happened today, but I'm really tired and I have to get up for work tomorrow so if I feel like it I'll post tomorrow night.
Today was crazy. Me and my boyfriend got into a fight last night and he told me not to bother calling him and that he wasn't going to come see me today, so I slept in. I woke up around 10-something and had my morning cigarette before weighing myself. I lost two pounds overnight, making my BMI 18.1. I checked my Facebook to find a message from him saying that I'd better call him before 12 or he wasn't going to come see me (he was already on his way here). So I get up and call him and get showered a dressed so I can walk to the train station to get him. The walk was horrible because of the weather. I was about 1/3 of the way there and some guy stopped and offered me a ride. I hesitated because I'd never taken a ride from someone before, but I got in his car and let him drive me to the train station. I met my boyfriend and we walked all the way back. We got inside and my mom was lying down in her room and my brothers went outside to shovel the rest of the snow, so we sat on my bed. To make a long story short, we had sex three times in six hours. What a great workout. He left around 8 to walk back to catch his train and I called him while he was on his way there. While I was on the phone with him I was checking my Facebook and I got a message from a friend saying she really needed to talk to me, so I said, "oh, shit" and I told him I needed to make a call once I knew he was safe on the train. Well, he got really upset because he said I'm always talking to other people when I'm on the phone with him, which is a total exaggeration. So he got all moody and we started fighting and then he hung up on me so I got mad and he kept calling me back. I called my friend and he kept blowing up my phone while I was talking to her so then when I finally got off the phone with her he called again and starts yelling at me and saying that I made him get lost. So we fought some more and he hung up again and blah, blah, blah. He eventually called me back crying and we talked and then I got really tired so he finally let me go.
That was pretty much my day. I didn't eat much. I fed him three times before he left and he kept asking him why I wasn't eating with him (although I did the first time) and I just told him I eat at night (total lie).
Well, I'm completely exhausted for obvious reasons, so I'm calling it a night.
Hmm, well, today sucked, other than the fact that I finally lost a pound after three days of maintaining (seems to be a pattern going on here). My BMI is now 18.5 and losing another pound will make me underweight. Ugh. This morning and afternoon before work went by fairly slow. Work was a pain. I was very busy going around the store every twenty minutes and wiping nasty water and slush off the floors because people are too inconsiderate and mindless to use the floor mat to wipe their feet. I was the one to take out the trash for the third day in a row. There is a woman who I believe is a supervisor, named Gay (I'm not sure if she spells it like that, but that is her name). Well I was walking back to customer service to return the paper towels after wiping the nasty floors, and she grabbed me by the arm and said to Jennifer, "Here's another one who needs to be fed! Look how skinny she is!" It was so embarrassing! Then she pinched my stomach and said, "Mmm, mmm, mmm, skin and bones!" Like, really, what the fuck? Who does that?
The weather here is absolutely horrendous. When I went outside on my break it was hailing, thundering and lightning. My mom refused to pick me up so Jennifer gave me a ride home. Of course, ten minutes before I leave, Rick (the "person in charge") asked me to help two other people push carts. I go outside and I'm the only one out there for ten minutes before the other two people come out. It was so disgusting - about two or three inches of wet, disgusting slush in my shoes. I was supposed to work from 5-9, but since Jennifer was driving me home, I left about an hour early. Thank God, because I wasn't going to continue working with wet feet. Ew. Well I'm excited to get paid on Friday and find out when I'm working next week. I need money - bad.
I'm supposed to see my boyfriend tomorrow but we don't know if it will happen seeing as the weather is horrible and the trains might not run tomorrow. If not, possibly on Friday. I really don't feel like walking two miles to the train station in this shit weather to pick him up and then walk all the way back. Oh, the things we do for love (HA HA, NOT).
I'm kind of hungry but there's nothing healthy in my house to eat. Just a bunch of disgusting junk. Ugh. I don't know what I'll do tomorrow since I'll be home all day (and with my boyfriend). Grr.
I woke up around 11:00 this morning and I was supposed to call my boyfriend as usual. I talked to him for a little while. Blah, blah, blah. I loafed around for a while until about 3:00 when I realized I had no clean work clothes and I had to be at work at 5:00. Panic. I threw my shirts in the wash but not my pants because they are black (my shirts are white). I ended up wearing the pants I wore yesterday (gross, I know). My shirts weren't completely dry after going through the dryer twice, and the clock was ticking. I ended up wearing a damp shirt to work. Jennifer, one of the front-end supervisors, was in total bitch mode today. Work went by somewhat quickly.
I was going to fast today, but I had work and I was already feeling like shit beforehand so I had some oatmeal. I burned it all off. I really hope I lose by tomorrow - I'm so sick of maintaining.
My boyfriend is definitely coming up to see me on Thursday. Now he wants to get a room at a hotel but I don't know if we can because you have to be 21 to make a reservation and have a credit card. I have a debit card, but no money on it. He has all the money in cash. So I don't think that's going to happen.
Such a boring post, I know.