So I went grocery shopping with my mom today before work. We left with a car full of food and paid about $250. I got her to get some stuff for me, like lettuce, fat-free cheese, fat-free yogurts, fat-free cereal, light soups and pickles. She paid me back for the $50 I loaned her on Friday when I got my paycheck so I bought myself a half gallon of fat-free milk and then after work I bought light Pringles that are fat-free, 90 calorie Fiber One bars and two things of my raspberry lemonade Crystal Light. Go me.
When I went into work Jennifer was already upstairs doing her price tags since it's Tuesday. I honestly felt kind of crappy when I went in and I told her that when she asked. The very next thing she said to me was, "Saturday was scary as shit." She told me that the assistant manager, Dave, was really scared. She said he told her that he's seen me looking like I'm "ready to pass out" on several occasions. I asked her if she told him anything and she didn't answer me directly right away so I got scared. She said that since he's part of management he needs to know what's going on because he's so concerned and she only told him that she does know what's going on with me but that I had told her in confidence. He asked her to tell me that I need to talk to him about it and she said she'll be there with me for support. She'll be there again on Thursday and I guess we'll do it then. The part that really upset me though was that she said he could possibly let me go for this because I'm still on the probation period. She told me that after the incident on Saturday a lot of people were asking about me. I asked her if she thinks people are suspicious and she said probably. She said that I look sick and I asked how and she said I look really thin and I'm very pale. I told her I'm really not that thin and I'm only about five pounds underweight and I'm pale because I'm Irish. She just said she would really hate if I got let go and she didn't want to see me go to a hospital either (not like that would happen). But whatever. I went downstairs and bagged all night. I didn't have to push carts at all because two of the boys were there. But the new store manager is making us do announcements over the loud speaker every ten minutes about the different deals we have in the different departments so I did that a lot because no one else wanted to and they said they loved how I did it because everyone else sounded dead when they did it. Oh, and I cleaned the sink in the break room because Jenn couldn't take the smell of it and it was really nasty. But yeah.
I left work and went home and had kind of a lot to eat even though I really wasn't that hungry. I had some of the Pringles, a bowl of Special K with skim milk, a fat-free yogurt, a Fiber One bar, a piece of fat-free cheese, and then I broke down and had a freaking bowl of ice cream. So stupid. I would guesstimate around 800 calories today. I'll probably weigh more tomorrow because I ate so late. I'm going to make an attempt to eat something every day, especially before I go to work because I don't want to lose my job. I'm not looking forward to talking to Dave about this, but at least Jenn will be there. It's going to be so awkward. I hate talking to guys. I don't like guy doctors or guy therapists, so why would I want to talk to a guy about this who isn't a professional either? So I'm kind of nervous about that. I'm going to try staying in the weight range I am now. At least tomorrow I won't be overwhelmed by all the food we have in the house now because I guess I got it out of my system tonight. You know, I haven't even recorded anything I've eaten since Thursday. That's kind of really annoying me but what can I do. I will start fresh tomorrow I suppose.
I talked to Joe and he said he's in Cape May now with his brother, so that's good. And it's also good because he's spending time with him and probably (hopefully) won't call me as much.
I just keep thinking... do I really look sick? Jenn said she doesn't think I would see it anyway, but I look really sick. I'm kind of figuring that it's an exaggeration because she doesn't have an ED. That's what I'm hoping anyway. If I really looked sick then someone I know would tell me, right? I would hope so. I think I look fine. You can't tell I'm underweight. I probably won't start looking underweight until I lose ten more pounds. Not that I'm making that a plan, just saying.
These last few days were kind of blah. I feel kind of numb unless I'm angry (which I am a lot more now lately). The days are going by so fast and they don't mean anything. I don't really feel anything. I just live. I just go.
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