The Emptiness

For starters, I didn't get much sleep last night (nothing new there) because my whole body was so sore all over.  I ended up waking up around 9:30 but couldn't get out of bed for thirty minutes because I just didn't have it in me.  I finally got up to start my day around 10:00.  I went in the kitchen for my morning cigarette and felt like shit.  After that I went to the bathroom.  I took my clothes off as I always do before using the bathroom in the morning, and sat down.  Suddenly I felt like I was going to explode.  I started dry heaving (since I have absolutely nothing in my stomach) like crazy.  My heart was pounding and I felt numb.  Next thing I know I'm on the floor.  I didn't pass out, I just kind of fell over and couldn't move.  I sat there for five minutes with tears down my cheeks until it passed and I felt completely fine.  I got up, cleaned up the drool on the floor, and flushed the toilet.  Judgment time.  I stepped on the scale.  I only lost one pound. Oh well.

I came back into the kitchen to have another cigarette.  I went on Facebook and Erica messaged me back finally after my apology message to her last night.  She said she's just upset that I'm "slowly killing" myself and I can't see it and she's lost so many people in the last few years and doesn't want me to be another one.  To make her feel better, I told her I was thinking about getting help.  She said that's good and whatever, blah, blah, blah.  That's pretty much it.  I really hope we start talking again, because I hate to make people upset and she is a very good friend.

Today should be interesting.  I have work at 4:00 and I have to walk because my mom won't be home yet to take me.  It's only a thirty-minute walk,  but I'm going to leave around 2:45 because it's nasty on the roads and I will be walking 2x slower than usual because I feel like shit.  Last night I was fearing that I might pass out at work today, but I feel fine right now, so I think it will be fine.  That would be so embarrassing.

It's only a bit before 11am here, so I'm going to relax a little more and then get showered and ready for work.  Will post later.