The Emptiness

I woke up around 9:30 this morning because I was expecting my boyfriend to show up sometime.  I maintained my weight today, unsurprisingly, and I'm sort of upset about it.

The day is uneventful so far (it's only just after 2 in the afternoon).  I talked to my boyfriend on Facebook and we had a fight (nothing new there).  He said he can't make it today but he wants to come up on Friday and see a movie.  Well we got into a fight because while I was talking to him I told him I wanted to go lay down because my stomach hurt (as it usually does in the mornings) and he started flipping out.  "YOU NEVER FUCKIN' TALK TO ME" yadda yadda.  Bullshit.  I talked to him for an hour more of his bitching and signed off.  My social worker called me and we talked for a while.  She's upset still because of that fact that I'm sexually active and not using protection.  So she's taking me to a clinic on Wednesday for a walk-in to possibly get checked out and get some birth control and the like.  Woo hoo.

I really hope to fast today, but still, as it's been for the last two-three days now, I feel like eating.  Not because I'm hungry - I'm not.  I'm not really sure why.  Just because.  Because it just sounds like a good idea.  But I can only picture myself eating junk.  Again.  And again, and again.  So I'm staying out of the kitchen as much as possible for the day.  I know at some point my stomach is going to pretend it's hungry and try dragging me in there but I will not, shall not go.  I will knit, I will watch TV, I will sleep, I will talk on the phone.

I had fun last night doing lots of math (yes, I know I'm odd).  I went through my entire food journal and calculated the daily percentage of fats, carbs and proteins I'd eaten.  When I went back to look at it, I realized that most of my caloric intake is carbohydrates, and the least is protein.  Not surprising.  The highest percentage of protein I'd eaten in a day was 26.3% of my calories.  Hmm.

I realized that I post on here probably twice a day now, and my posts are very boring.  I've come to the conclusion that I really need a life, and people to talk to.  Probably a therapist would be good.  Either way, it's not like I'm hurting anyone by posting.