Finally lost that pound yesterday, but maintained today. But I don't really feel like talking about how my day was yesterday. It was nothing. You know, every night before I go to sleep I cry and realize how depressed I am. I really hate my life right now. Yes, I'm grateful that I have certain things, i.e. - a home, a bed, a job, etc. But I feel so empty inside. No, I'm not talking about physically being empty - I like that feeling. I'm talking about the day-in and day-out going-through-the-motions feeling. Wake up, weigh-in, bum around, go to work, repeat, repeat, repeat. I try to talk to my friends on the phone and online. I don't tell them anything anymore. I just feel like shit. I really don't feel like talking to anyone at all, and it seems that when I do I feel even more miserable for forcing myself to do it. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so numb during the day and then it all comes out in my head when I'm trying to sleep at night. I probably just need to go back on my meds, but I was hoping I didn't need them anymore. I'm missing something and I don't know what it is. I want to find it. I feel like I've been searching for years and there have been times where I thought I was happy, but it was just a placebo effect. I'm tired of talking to therapists and saying the same things over and over, trying to explain how I feel, and getting the same responses over and over. Nothing really helps. I just want to block myself out from the world for a while and come back and have everything be happy. But obviously that's unrealistic. I don't know anymore. Maybe it's just PMS.
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