So I never found that damn scale. I ended up waiting until 3pm when my little brother got home from school to ask him, but of course he knew nothing. I decided I needed to get over it and get something in my stomach and get ready for work. On a random side note, I decided to cut three inches of my hair off. It actually doesn't look bad.
Before going to work I consumed just under 400 calories. I walked into work very anxious about the meeting with Dave and Jenn. I started bagging and my usual. Jenn came in around 6:30 and seemed to be in a not-so-good mood. Around 7 I went on break. I was kind of hyper at work, and it only took me three minutes flat to smoke my cigarette (the whole thing, too!). I came in only five minutes into my break and went over to customer service where Jenn was. I asked her if we were still meeting with Dave, and she told me that she had to wait for another front-end supervisor to come back from break and we would go find him. I walked around and then started bagging again three minutes before my break was over. It was quite slow tonight. I made some more announcements over the loud speaker. My one co-worker, Alicia (pronounced Ah-lee-see-uh), was standing there because she was running the self-checkout and that's where the announcements are made. I did fine on the first few announcements. I started doing one announcement and got as far as "Attention, shoppers" until Alicia started saying something that made me laugh so I had to hang up the phone and redo it. It was kind of embarrassing. I went over to clean some registers and Jenn came up to me and told me that Dave already left at 7. I was kind of disappointed because I was already prepared and I really wanted to get it over with. She kept telling me there was nothing to worry about. She said I looked better today, and that I had color to my face. At first this made me feel strange and uncomfortable because to me it meant I looked normal and normal meant healthy, which meant I'd been eating too much. I thanked her and told her that after she told me about meeting with Dave on Tuesday, I decided I needed to start eating a little at least for work. She just looked at me for a second and then said, "I'm so proud of you... give me a hug" so she hugged me. I felt good. She said she knows it's hard for me but if I keep doing what I'm doing then Dave will be pleased and I'll most likely not have to worry about being let go. I went to do some more announcements. This time, not only was Alicia standing there, but so was another one of my co-workers, Angela. They were talking about clubbing and I asked them to walk away for a minute so I don't get distracted like last time. I picked up the phone and started making the announcement but they started talking and laughing and joking about me messing up so I stopped in the middle of the sentence, tried to collect myself and start again, started laughing and had to hang up again. This pissed off one of the front-enders, Shannon, who called me over and told me I need to stop doing that and that it's not funny and it's probably annoying to the customers (who I don't think really listen to the announcements or give a shit regardless). So I instantly felt horrible. She told me I need to do the announcements at customer service from now on so I'm not distracted. I started taking out the trash. A little later I went back to customer service to do an announcement. Jenn was in there and Shannon and another girl Jenn were talking to each other. Jenn told me that they're not really mad at me because I do the best job on the announcements, but they're mad at the other girls for making me laugh and mess it up, so I shouldn't feel bad. I start making an announcement and Jenn kicked the other Jenn and Shannon to be quiet so I didn't get distracted. The rest of the night was extremely slow. I pushed carts with one of the boys, Tim, twice. It was so much better and quicker with two people. I hate doing it by myself. My shift was over and I clocked out and got my things. I went back downstairs to ask Jenn what time she would be picking me up on Saturday morning for training. Then we started talking about the meeting. She keeps telling me not to worry. I told her I'm scared it will be hard to eat enough to keep up my energy every time I have work. I followed her around the store while she got various items in preparation for class on Saturday. Finally I left.
I got in the car with my mom and she told me I should eat something when I get home. The last couple of days she's been asking me what I eat and how much, etc. She's obviously suspicious to some degree. She told me I should make myself a sandwich when I get home. I told her I have a Fiber One bar that I would eat, and she told me that's not enough after I burned off what I ate this morning at work. I didn't think there was a problem with it, especially since it was after 9pm and I probably shouldn't be eating that late anyway. But I didn't say that to her. I already had the bar in my bag so I took it out and ate it on the way home. When we got home I ended up eating a lot. I had a bowl of Progresso Light vegetable soup (a whole can - 128 calories) and then decided I would have cereal. Instead of having my safe fat-free Special K I ate two servings of Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch with my skim milk. Then about an hour later I had an orange. I recorded everything and seemed to be done for the night. I was full. I didn't want to eat any more. But then, just a while ago, I found myself looking through the cabinets and fridge, and ended up taking out some lunch meat and cheese... and it wasn't my fat-free cheese either. I sat there and zoned out, stuffing my face with tons of cheese and ham. I finally stopped and felt disgusted. I don't even know how much of it I ate. I want to weigh myself so bad, but there's no way. I really need to go to my best friend's house (whom I lived with before being hospitalized again and moved back with my mom) and get my scale. My scale is more accurate. It has decimals! The scale here doesn't. It just has whole numbers, and I hate that.
I have off from work tomorrow so I will be sitting around most of the day doing nothing. Joe is still mad at me but I did eventually end up calling him back so he could tell me how fucked up I am to do "such a thing" to him. Whatever. I feel really bloated right now and I'm really hating it. I haven't taken my water pills since 1pm. I was scheduled to take them on my break at 7, but never went upstairs to get my jacket because it was so nice out and I already had my cigarettes in my pocket. I suppose I will take them now and then go watch some TV until I get tired.
So I got a bit manic last night (I'm bipolar). Very manic actually. I honestly thought I wouldn't sleep, but I finally went to bed around 7 this morning. I was watching TV shows online and I went into the bathroom and noticed the scale went incognito. My first thought was that my mom did it. I went in my older brother's room (because only he would be awake at 3 in the morning) and we talked. I mentioned that the scale mysteriously went missing and he went and looked to make sure I wasn't crazy. We somehow started talking about eating disorders and what they do to you and I found myself going in major detail about calories and what they're made up of and weight loss and the like. I don't remember how, but we started talking about the manic episode I had while I was in the hospital which I guess I never told him about. He was very interested in it. Then I found myself actually becoming manic. When I had that manic episode last year it was like everything in the world made perfect sense and everything was so peaceful and it was like I had this massive energy that changed everything. Suddenly I started to feel like that again (not quite to the extent it was before). When I had that episode it was almost like I had super senses, and that's what I felt like sort of last night. So he was making me watch this video and then I instantly got extremely tired after being so wired. I heard my mom wake up and then my little brother so I went to bed.
I set my alarm for 11, but I didn't get to sleep that long. Joe called me all pissed off about me not calling him back last night and I said it's not a big deal and he started raising his voice at me saying the same thing that he always says: I always make time to talk to my friends but I never talk to him. Fucking bullshit. So he hung up on me and of course calls me back two seconds later and he started getting mad and raising his voice again and I told him I'm not in the mood and I just woke up and he yells at me to stop screaming at him so I hung up on him and ignored the 27 calls after that. I finally listened to the five voicemails he left me. He kept saying, "You better fucking call me back right fucking now because I'm not playing your fucking games, Amy." You really think I'm gonna call you back if you're talking to me like that? Fuck no. I've only been awake for a little more than an hour and I'm already fucking pissed.
I go back in the bathroom and realize the scale is still missing. I cannot start my day without weighing myself. This means, until I find this scale, I can't eat, I can't shower, I can't drink. I tore apart my mom's room and found nothing. I looked in all the closets in the bathroom and the hallway. I even looked in the freaking oven. Nowhere to be found. After freaking out, I called my mom at work. I'm thinking she put it in her car. Tricky bitch. "Hey, mom... did you happen to notice that the bathroom scale is missing all of the sudden?" She said she saw that this morning, but that it didn't bother her because "no one uses it" and she thought that I might have taken it (what the hell am I going to do with it? Put it under my pillow?). I told her that my older brother said he had no clue. I highly doubt my little brother had anything to do with it. So I told her I would look in my older brother's room. He is notorious for lying, after all. I went in there and looked around as much as I could without waking him up. Finally I got mad and woke him up and asked where it was and I said I didn't care if he knew and I would give him a cigarette if he told me. He still claims to not know. I'm really fucking pissed off now. It didn't just grow legs and walk the fuck out of there in the middle of the night. So I'm pretty sure one of them is lying, but I don't know which one. Now I have to wait until 3 in the afternoon for my little brother to get home from school to ask him. But there's no way I can wait all day for that and have time to get ready for work at 5. That's if he even knows anything. Where the fuck could it possibly be? I don't fucking get it. This is driving me up a fucking wall. It didn't just poof into thin air. I need to weigh myself or I cannot do anything. I'm really fucking pissed right now. I guess I'll be spending the next however many hours tearing up the house for the third time and going crazy looking for it. This is fucking madness.
So I weighed myself again before I took a shower, even though at that point I had eaten... and I was a pound less than when I woke up somehow. But that may change by tomorrow. I ended up eating a lot today. I did manage to spread it out fairly well throughout the day, but it was still a LOT. A total of 1044.5 calories!!! Totally wasn't my plan. I had breakfast (around 10:30am), lunch (around 2pm), snack (around 4pm), dinner (around 10pm), snack (around 11pm). Breakfast was 236 calories (all healthy and fat free), lunch was 158.5 calories (all healthy and 2.5g fat), the first snack was 253 calories (still all healthy and 5g fat). I fucked up and ate a plain bagel with two slices of melted fat-free cheese (317 calories and 1g fat) for dinner. The last snack was just a cup of skim milk - 80 calories. Totally could have lived without the stupid bagel and be under 1000 for the day, which is still an awful lot.
Went to work and felt physically good. I made sure of that by eating before I went in. Dave was there and he ignored me the whole time (didn't even say hi) but he was watching me like a freaking hawk so I acted extra energetic while he was around. Nothing really interesting happened today except that I caught (kind of caught) this teenage boy stealing a candy bar right in front of me, but when I told the loss prevention guy, we couldn't find the kid and I was watching the door for him but I didn't see him leave. Brian, the loss prevention guy, said he wasn't going to kill himself over a stolen Butterfinger, and to just let it go. I didn't have to push carts at all again today because the boys were there again, so that was good. I'm really, really anxious about tomorrow and having the meeting with Dave and Jenn. I really don't want to lose my job because of some stupid crap like ED. I hope I make it to see cashier training on Saturday.
So I will probably weigh more tomorrow. Great. Maybe I will do better tomorrow. I need to make sure I eat something before work again so I might have a better chance with Dave. I'm really scared...
Gained a pound. Thought I would. Kinda mad. But today (last night, rather) I decided I need to start eating substantially at least once a day for my job's sake. I need this job, I cannot lose it. So I ate breakfast for the first time in forever. I had Special K Red Berries cereal (one cup - 116) with a half-cup of skim milk (40) and a Dannon Light & Fit yogurt (80). I decided I will have a Fiber One bar (94.5) before work and possibly some light Pringles (64/serving but probably not going to have a full serving) so I'll look alive at least. I just realized that's only 394.5 calories for the whole day and only 2.5g fat, but damn that seems like a lot of food. Well my plan is to eat still and space it out enough and have energy for work but hopefully still lose some weight. I'm back to taking my usual amount of water pills since I haven't been the last few days because my boyfriend's been over. So I took them three times yesterday (300mg caffeine). I need to buy more today after work, along with some sugar-free gum because I keep forgetting to buy more. I need to save at least some money because I still need to go to the post office to mail a package to one of my friends who is going into treatment for a long time and I need money to go to Cape May to see Joe I guess... and I need cigarettes. The money for Joe can wait because it's not like I can get down there this week anyway and I get paid again on Friday. Two weeks from now I'll have a real nice paycheck from the two days of cashier training - that's 17 hours right there alone. I only have off on Friday this week (and I had off on Monday) and I need to go to the doctor. Not only do I need a check-up, but I'm also having another problem that I will not disclose here. It's not exactly something people talk about in normal conversation (not like the amount of calories in everything I ate is). But I bet you catch my drift. So yeah. This is such a crazy week and it's only Wednesday.
So I went grocery shopping with my mom today before work. We left with a car full of food and paid about $250. I got her to get some stuff for me, like lettuce, fat-free cheese, fat-free yogurts, fat-free cereal, light soups and pickles. She paid me back for the $50 I loaned her on Friday when I got my paycheck so I bought myself a half gallon of fat-free milk and then after work I bought light Pringles that are fat-free, 90 calorie Fiber One bars and two things of my raspberry lemonade Crystal Light. Go me.
When I went into work Jennifer was already upstairs doing her price tags since it's Tuesday. I honestly felt kind of crappy when I went in and I told her that when she asked. The very next thing she said to me was, "Saturday was scary as shit." She told me that the assistant manager, Dave, was really scared. She said he told her that he's seen me looking like I'm "ready to pass out" on several occasions. I asked her if she told him anything and she didn't answer me directly right away so I got scared. She said that since he's part of management he needs to know what's going on because he's so concerned and she only told him that she does know what's going on with me but that I had told her in confidence. He asked her to tell me that I need to talk to him about it and she said she'll be there with me for support. She'll be there again on Thursday and I guess we'll do it then. The part that really upset me though was that she said he could possibly let me go for this because I'm still on the probation period. She told me that after the incident on Saturday a lot of people were asking about me. I asked her if she thinks people are suspicious and she said probably. She said that I look sick and I asked how and she said I look really thin and I'm very pale. I told her I'm really not that thin and I'm only about five pounds underweight and I'm pale because I'm Irish. She just said she would really hate if I got let go and she didn't want to see me go to a hospital either (not like that would happen). But whatever. I went downstairs and bagged all night. I didn't have to push carts at all because two of the boys were there. But the new store manager is making us do announcements over the loud speaker every ten minutes about the different deals we have in the different departments so I did that a lot because no one else wanted to and they said they loved how I did it because everyone else sounded dead when they did it. Oh, and I cleaned the sink in the break room because Jenn couldn't take the smell of it and it was really nasty. But yeah.
I left work and went home and had kind of a lot to eat even though I really wasn't that hungry. I had some of the Pringles, a bowl of Special K with skim milk, a fat-free yogurt, a Fiber One bar, a piece of fat-free cheese, and then I broke down and had a freaking bowl of ice cream. So stupid. I would guesstimate around 800 calories today. I'll probably weigh more tomorrow because I ate so late. I'm going to make an attempt to eat something every day, especially before I go to work because I don't want to lose my job. I'm not looking forward to talking to Dave about this, but at least Jenn will be there. It's going to be so awkward. I hate talking to guys. I don't like guy doctors or guy therapists, so why would I want to talk to a guy about this who isn't a professional either? So I'm kind of nervous about that. I'm going to try staying in the weight range I am now. At least tomorrow I won't be overwhelmed by all the food we have in the house now because I guess I got it out of my system tonight. You know, I haven't even recorded anything I've eaten since Thursday. That's kind of really annoying me but what can I do. I will start fresh tomorrow I suppose.
I talked to Joe and he said he's in Cape May now with his brother, so that's good. And it's also good because he's spending time with him and probably (hopefully) won't call me as much.
I just keep thinking... do I really look sick? Jenn said she doesn't think I would see it anyway, but I look really sick. I'm kind of figuring that it's an exaggeration because she doesn't have an ED. That's what I'm hoping anyway. If I really looked sick then someone I know would tell me, right? I would hope so. I think I look fine. You can't tell I'm underweight. I probably won't start looking underweight until I lose ten more pounds. Not that I'm making that a plan, just saying.
These last few days were kind of blah. I feel kind of numb unless I'm angry (which I am a lot more now lately). The days are going by so fast and they don't mean anything. I don't really feel anything. I just live. I just go.
Okay. Let's see. The last time I posted was Thursday. It's now Tuesday. Woah. Okay. So Thursday night I had the worst binge of my life and gained four pounds the next day. I felt so completely horrible. My boyfriend showed up at my door a little before 8 on Friday morning. So we hung out all day in between our routine fighting and sex. Woo hoo. He got drunk and whatever, blah, blah, blah. We got into a big fight because I had made plans to go see a movie with a friend (who is a guy) that night after he left and he flipped out and whatever. We ended up all going together because I told my boyfriend that the guy was gay (which he's not, but he could pass). He ended up staying the night. I had work on Saturday from 5-9. He stayed at my house until I got back. I was at work near the end of my shift pushing carts outside and suddenly he comes up out of nowhere smoking a cigar. He expected me to walk back with him. Ha! Right. My mom was going to pick me up but he told her not to. WTF. So I go back inside and clock out and I see that Jennifer is leaving. She offered us a ride and I said no and we went to look at cheese. Then I realized, once I got to the cheese, "What the hell am I doing? Free ride!" so I made him run with me outside to her car and we caught her just in time for her to give us a ride back. He slept over again. I had work on Sunday from 12-4. At this point I need to add some things in the story, like how while my boyfriend was here I was eating. Not quite normally, but enough to make him satisfied because he knows. But thank God I didn't binge in the least. Not that we have any food in the house now to do that. Also, I'd been taking my water pills a little less. Still at least once a day, but not four. Not even three. I was lucky if I could sneak in two times a day. So I went to work on Sunday at 12 and I hadn't eaten anything all day. But, I did go and take a sample of pineapple (which was one tiny piece of pineapple). Around 3 Jennifer asked me to go push carts, so I did. The parking lot was so crowded and every time I pushed carts, more and more people just took them away. I was so frustrated. People kept coming close to hitting me. Like, seriously, it's a fucking parking lot. The speed limit is 10MPH, not fucking 50. Jeez. So after a while I started to feel funny. I was out of breath and dizzy. I decided I need to go inside. I went home in half an hour anyway. So I go in and put my coat in the break room. My vision is all fuzzy and I feel like I'm looking through a tunnel. I go up to customer service and ask Jenn if I can sit down. She looks at me and asks what's wrong and I just go sit on the little stool on the side by the CoinStar. After she finishes helping a customer she comes over and asks me what's wrong. I told her I'm dizzy and I don't feel good. She asked what I ate and I told her I had a piece of pineapple. She offered to buy me a banana or an orange juice and I declined, thinking, "Are you crazy? I'm not eating in front of all these people." So she just looked at me and walked away. Another front-end person, Camille, came over and asked what's wrong. I told her I'm fine, I just need to sit for a minute because I don't feel good. She offered to get me some water and I said I'll be fine so she walked away. She actually went to get Dave, the assistant manager. So he comes over and tells me I don't look good and if there's anything I need. "Did you eat today?" I told him I ate right before I came in and that I just need to sit for a minute and I'll be fine. It started to get embarrassing because the other cashiers kept looking at me and asking what was wrong with me and talking about me. I finally decided I need to get up. So I did and I got some water from the water fountain and started bagging again. I felt a little better. I was fine. My shift ended fifteen minutes later and I went to clock out. Joe came in to get me and he told me my mom needed pasta sauce for dinner. I only had $11 and 10 of that was for his train ride back. I told him to go wait outside in the car so I can get my stuff from upstairs and get the sauce. He asked what was wrong and I told him I just didn't feel good and I was tired. I got a medium sized can of pasta sauce and went to check out at customer service because the registers were packed. Jennifer told me that I'm lucky I got up when I did because Dave wanted to call an ambulance. For what?! I said that's ridiculous because I didn't pass out or anything and I was fine but she said I scared the shit out of him. Whatever. She told me I should try to eat something with potassium in it, as if that's my problem. I said, yeah, sure, and left.
Yesterday was Valentine's Day and it was so fucking crazy. Joe slept over again on Sunday night. We woke up and took a shower and whatever and then he was trying to find his biological brother who he was told was dead but someone had just told him he wasn't. So he found him on Facebook and messaged him and got a message back with a number to call. So he did. They talked and his brother is living all the way in Cape May, which is about 2-3 hours away from here at the very bottom of New Jersey. Then he told me I should go live with him and his brother. WHAT? I told him I don't know, that I just got a job and I was going to try to go to school in the fall here and I'm trying to get my life together after moving a million times in the last two years. Here goes another fight. Big one. Basically we fought off and on for the rest of the night and he told me he's breaking up with me because there's no way he'll be able to see me. Then he tells me he's going to move to Florida. Really. He really pissed me the fuck off. He left to go to the train station finally and I called him and we got into a huge fight again over the same shit and he started swearing at me and calling me out of my name and all that other good stuff. Then he was talking about going back to shooting heroin and all this other shit and killing himself, blah, blah. Whatever. By the end of the night we "made up" and I told him I would call him today when I woke up. I finally went to bed.
I woke up today and didn't call him right away (I usually wait a little bit). I weighed myself (lost a pound), took a shower, had my cigarette, la-de-da. My mom wants me to go food shopping with her in a while. Then I have work from 5-9. I'm relieved that Joe is finally gone because he was down my throat the whole time. There was a bunch of other shit that happened but there's just so many details that I don't feel like getting in to. I'll give you a few. My mom finally noticed that I was losing weight. Haha. Took her twenty pounds. She said, "Am, did you lose a couple pounds?" Yeah, just a couple. I told her I gained. She doesn't really care. That was that. Joe made a comment one night about the way I was eating and I got really upset about it. That's pretty much all I feel like posting for now.